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MY girlfriend hates her body so much that she refuses to allow me to see her naked.
Anytime we have sex she insists that all the lights are off and she wears a long T-shirt or a nightie.
I’ve talked to her and she assures me that she doesn’t have unsightly scars, spots or hairy patches.
She’s not overweight or flabby; she simply doesn’t like the way her boobs hang and her stomach sits.
She’s a great girl, but our sex life is suffering. I never get the impression that she enjoys herself.
She’s so busy pulling her top down and redirecting my hands away from her torso, it’s more a battle than a pleasure.
How can I get her to simply accept who she is? Warts and all?
I HAD a bad start as a kid – neglected by my parents and let down by other adults who should have been protective.
At school, I was the smelly one in dirty clothes.
I never had the right trainers or pencil case or coat. Other children and even some teachers instantly picked me out as a victim and a loser.
At my secondary school I started getting into trouble. I stole, talked back and deliberately kicked off. One teacher singled me out and constantly told me that I was stupid and would never amount to anything.
Dirt
Years later I discovered that my mother was a sex worker and my dad her pimp. All of those “uncles” and “friends of the family” who constantly strolled in and out of our grotty flat were actually her clients.
Everyone, including my teachers, knew except me.
I left home and school at 16 and drifted around Europe.
Eventually I found work in retail. I went back into education and now have an OK life.
However, I still feel worthless. I’ve allowed others to treat me like dirt purely because I’ve never thought anything of myself.
My parents are now retired and very demanding. They actually expect me to care for them and give them money.
They’re still together and, over Christmas, behaved like a couple of divas calling for food, favours and attention every day. On New Year’s Day I told my mother that I find her disgusting and she actually had the nerve to call me ungrateful. I’m so tired of other people pulling my strings.
My next door neighbour is very kind and supportive. She’s always urging me to take control and turn my life around.
But surely it’s too late for someone like me to amount to anything, isn’t it?
JANE SAYS: Be honest with your girlfriend.
Tell her you like her a lot, but can’t go on like this.
You are sympathetic and understand she doesn’t like her body and doesn’t feel comfortable naked, but does she ever see this situation changing?
Is she inclined to speak to a health professional about her body image issues?
Suggest she visits her GP for advice and help. Offer to support her because you care and are a decent person.
Ultimately, you must decide how much patience you have with this. I worry she may begin to drag you down and inhibit you too.
Don’t sacrifice your sexual confidence for someone who may not be prepared to help herself. JANE SAYS: Someone like you can be anything he wants to be.
Your neighbour is absolutely right, you owe it to yourself to rise up and grab your life by the throat.
For too many years you’ve lived in the shadow of unsupportive family members and figures in authority.
Those adults let you down and sapped you of your confidence. Instead of protecting you and nurturing your self-worth they behaved very badly.
Now your parents want to rely on you, but why should you bust a gut looking after them when they clearly don’t respect or appreciate you? Tell them both today you will not be used and that they need to speak to social services and their GP to make other arrangements in future.
You still have your best years ahead of you.
Ask your go-getting neighbour for all the support and guidance she can give, and finally be the person you want to be.
Whatever happens, don’t you dare feel guilty for setting yourself some personal goals and don’t let anyone hold you back.
Do visit your GP if you feel that you would benefit from counselling regarding your previous experiences.