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MY girlfriend buries her head in the sand.
She won’t confront our relationship, financial or practical problems.
We’re living in a house that’s falling down around our ears because she won’t make vital decisions about the extensive building work and decorating that needs doing.
We don’t have a working kitchen and I have to go to my dad’s house for a decent shower.
She’s so hung up on being trendy and ahead of her friends that she’s terrified of making a sartorial mistake.
She won’t pick a paint colour or tile for fear of being ridiculed. I beg her to start living in the real world, but she’s so stubborn it hurts.
Proud
The reality is that we should sell this house because it’s too big and too expensive to fix, but she’s so proud she won’t back down.
She won’t hear that we can’t afford to live the life she dreams of. My uncles have offered to do some quick, cheap fixes for us, but she won’t have them in here.
My stepmum has actually called her a snob and I don’t think she’s far wrong. At the moment my girl refuses to open or even look at bank statements or bills. We’re thousands of pounds in debt.
Any time I tell her that we need to have an adult conversation about our overdraft and credit card bills, she accuses me of being boring and unimaginative.
But I don’t see what’s so special about living in, what is basically, a student squat. Inevitably our arguments are having a huge impact on our relationship. We bicker all the time.
I can’t remember the last time we actually made love or even shared a kiss. And with winter coming all I can think about are the dark, cold nights ahead.
I’m deeply unhappy.
JANE SAYS: It worries me very much that you describe yourself as “deeply unhappy”.
I suspect it took a lot for you to admit that. I get the impression that your girlfriend is frustrating and exhausting you. You own this rundown property together and you just want to get on with the business of doing it up, within a budget, and leading a warm and comfortable life.
Unfortunately your girlfriend, who I suspect is insecure about her own taste and doesn’t trust her judgment, is more concerned about what her mates will say about her choice of wallpaper, which is pretty tragic.
Meanwhile, you’re both up to your ears in debt and the bills are piling up. She needs to hear from you that you will not go on like this because life is too stressful and your relationship appears to be in freefall.
Sadly, if your “money pit” really is ripping you apart, then the property will have to be sold and the proceeds split.
Is that what she wants? For you to part? Is this house more important that your relationship?
The alternative is compromise, economise, budget and have some sensible conversations.
Insist on going through the figures again. Don’t allow her to overwhelm or ruin you for the sake of her ego.