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YAY! I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here is back this weekend. The only reality show that hasn’t yet lost the plot.
Just one of its main presenters, obvs.
And sure we’ll all be missing the lovely Ant, won’t we? Just a shame he didn’t miss hitting another car in his pesky drink driving incident.
But as we all know slebs have different rules to us so we’ll all gaze at the loveliness of replacement Holly Willoughby and feel sorry for Mr McPartlin sitting at home with his cuppa and mistress-turned-girlfriend. Nice bloke.
Sorry, no disrespect, cos you know, he’s a famous person struggling with demons that see us lesser mortals labelled scumbags. Must admit though the best thing about this annual rumble in the jungle (we’re a tabloid, we are compelled to use that phrase at least once a day for the show’s duration) has always been Ant and Dec. Everyone’s favourite garden gnomes brought to cheeky chappy, usually slightly hungover, life.
Without their natural near-themark banter the whole thing is just a load of wannabes/has beens eating balls rather than talking them.
It will be fascinating to see how the giggling cloud of blonde that is Willoughbooby copes. She is obviously much prettier than Ant. Also much taller which means the poor girl will have to DRIVEN APART: Ant and Dec wear flat shoes every time she stands next to Dec. Which is a bit of a nuisance when you want to flaunt your tanned legs in fetching jungle-suitable shorts.
Holly is nobody’s fool and I really hope she holds her own with Dec (well she’d have to stoop an awful lot to hold his). Because for some reason the female presenters unleashed on the Jungle never seem up to the job.
Stacey Solomon, Scarlett Moffatt and the other Geordie lass have all been a bit disappointing. Sure they’re all lovely girls but the only things I want screeching in the jungle are the parrots. Not the birds.
Which brings us on to this year’s line-up.
Guessing Inbetweeners actress Emily Atack will have to take on the statutory white bikini role. Cos not sure anyone would want to chase The Chase quiz queen Ann Hegerty in her cozzie.
(Yes I know that’s body shaming another female, but as a fellow middle-aged woman I can do that, so bore off.)
The other girls tick all the right boxes according to race, religion, class and soap operas. Mostly a bit meh really.
Though former Enders star Rita Simons should be good handling the snappy, gnarly old crocs as Alan Sugar is her uncle.
Ex Dr Who star John Barrowman has vowed to be crowned Celeb’s first gender-fluid winner and get rid of his love handles on the rice and beans diet. This is a man whose party trick is getting an entire banana (or similar) in his mouth. Be a choker if he doesn’t prove entertaining.
One things for sure he’s going to get right on footie boss Harry Redknapp’s nerves. Now him I will be interested to watch. Will he leave half way through to join Strictly? (One for the Southampton fans out there).
Most important, how will he get on with star signing Noel Edmonds?
Harry’s pocketed £250k, definitely a deal not a no deal that Noel will have got more.
I have no idea how a man who phones the universe when he wants something passed Celeb’s psychological tests but guess they wanted Noel so much the test was along the lines of: Producer: “Are you a complete nut job, Mr Edmonds?” Noel: “Gibber, gibber, cluck, cluck.” Producer: “Great, sign here.”
So bring on Sunday night when we can all settle down with a beer (not you, Ant) and marvel at the madness of a bunch of celebrities in the back garden of a five-star Oz hotel.
Oops, jungle.