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MY girl and I are in a relationship, but she just refuses to have sex with me.
Early on she claimed she wasn’t over her ex.
She was with him for eight years and was devastated when he left her for another man. I told her I understood and that she should take all the time she needed.
A few months later I asked her how she was feeling and she bit my head off, calling me insensitive and a “back-tracking sex maniac”. A bit harsh.
We’ve now been together for 18 months and I’m still no closer to seeing her naked. Her ex is now married to his man and they’re planning to adopt.
Cuddle
During his wedding he gave my girl his full blessing to move on. In fact, he begged her to start a new life with me, but that still hasn’t happened.
Not only do we not live together, but I’ve never touched the flesh beneath her clothes either. All we ever do is kiss and cuddle with some light stroking if I’m lucky.
Every week there’s a new excuse – she’s not feeling well, I’m looking too fat, she’s stressed about work/money/her family etc. You get the picture, I’m sure.
The bottom line is that I love the girl and think she’s worth fighting for, but how long should I be expected to hang on?
I feel as though I’m living a lie. My brother is single and keeps telling me how jealous he is, but he doesn’t know the half of it. I sometimes wonder if she loves or values me at all. I’ve actually become very close to her ex-partner and his new husband since the wedding.
What she doesn’t know is that I speak to them a lot behind her back. They’re always urging me to confront her and issue an ultimatum, but what if it all backfires and I end up alone?
JANE SAYS: There’s no doubt in my mind that your girl is still madly in love with the one man she can’t have – her ex-partner. He’s now moved on and found happiness with a new husband, but she continues to chase a memory and hark back to a previous time.
What you have to remember is that you deserve love and sexual satisfaction.
Trust your own instincts and listen to that little voice inside your head which is telling you that this situation is wrong.
Explain to her that this can’t go on. Don’t be intimidated or feel you have to apologise.
Ask her to be truthful with you. Does she think it’s normal that you’re so frustrated?
Describe how humiliated, hurt and confused you feel. Insist that she comes clean about her true feelings – and why she actually bothers to stay with you.
My worry is that you are convenient. She doesn’t want to be on her own, so she keeps you hanging on purely for selfish reasons.
Plenty of people do avoid sex before marriage, but that is a mutual decision. The problem is that you want one thing and she wants something else.
If she keeps pushing you away then your mind is going to suffer.
Please consider your future before you seriously begin to suffer a crisis of confidence.