REDS LACK BITE

MY 2020 has shaky start.

First of all I was asked to leave by a bouncer on New Year’s Eve.

I demanded: “Why?” And the bouncer said: “Because I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”

The next day I was banned from B&Q. Some bloke in an apron came up to me and asked if I needed decking. Luckily, I managed to get the first punch in.

Maybe I should give up drinking again.

Ten years ago I swore I would quit drinking while I’m at work.

I haven’t touched a job since. But this year I am finally trying to deal with my current drinking problem.

I’m going to dump my girlfriend. Maybe this year I will have more luck with the ladies.

My previous squeeze chucked me got off to

abecause she said I was always doing owl impressions.

I told her I was a twit to woo her in the first place.

I probably won’t be going vegan, unlike hairy rocker Meat Loaf.

The singer, now to be known as Loaf, will do anything for lovage, but he won’t do animal fat.

I saw him the other day actually and had to grab a hot dog from him.

He shouted: “You took the wurst right out of my mouth.”

Veganism is catching on and hundreds have been queueing to try the new Greggs meat-free steak bake.

Having eaten plenty of Greggs real steak bakes in my time, I can tell you the meat content is about the same.

Man Utd’s attack has been lacking this season and I reckon rampant Wolves will tear them apart in the FA Cup third round clash today.

WOLVES to beat MAN William Hill – 2/1

UTD: