I had tablets in my hand. I didn’t take enough to do anything but I had them. With vodka. It was scary.
ON MONDAY I’ll have been sober for a year. But this time last year, I wanted to kill myself.
I couldn’t go on any more. I just couldn’t see a way out. I had the tablets in my hand. I didn’t take enough to do anything but I had them there. With vodka. It was scary.
It was only because of the kids really and my wife, and a little bit of consciousness, that I didn’t.
Fear probably as well. I was scared to do it. When you’re in that place, you don’t see how it’s ever going to pass. But I have the tools now. If I get into a real down situation, I know it will pass. So when I see this weekend’s FA Cup games kicking off a minute later to raise awareness for mental health, I will remember that time when things got dark and think: ‘Thank god that’s not how I feel any more.’
I’m telling you this because I hope it helps someone. If even one person reads this and it helps them, then it will be worth it.
I don’t want to kill myself any more. I don’t have those thoughts. I’m not carrying the world on my shoulders, walking around with guilt.
I’m not beating myself up, drinking and gambling all the time and asking why I’m doing this to myself.
It’s only now I know. I have an illness. I have a mental illness. I’ve accepted that now. Before, I used to beat myself up all the time.
But the more you talk about it, the more it takes the power out of it. I ring people up and tell them if I don’t feel good. Before, I sat indoors, pulled the curtains, and
I’d watch the phone ring.
I would literally watch people ringing me trying to help me, but I wouldn’t take the calls. It’s the worst place to be, having that fear that it’s never going to get better.
You have to talk.
I sat down with my two bosses at Sky, Barney Francis and Gary
Hughes, and they were a massive help. They would always ring to see how I was.
I had done the Harry’s Heroes
TV series and everyone had seen me break down. But I’d got myself into a better place – and then the madness carried on.
That’s where the frustration came in. I had just seen myself on
TV breaking down. Why was I still drinking and gambling? It’s because I was ill.
One night I seriously thought about ending it all. I was on my own, which is not the best place when you’re down. Isolating yourself, that’s where the illness wants you.
It doesn’t want you around people. But a few days after I was in that dark place, I stopped.
Completely. I stopped drinking on
January the 6th. I had had enough.
And for the first time ever, it was my steps. Not the PFA. Not
Arsenal. Not Walsall. It was me.
Paul Merson had had enough. No one else had to tell me I needed treatment.
I remember walking home from the pub and thinking: ‘I don’t want to be like this any more. I’ve got a family.’ I went to Alcoholics Anonymous the next day.
For me, it’s always been the drink. When you start drinking, everything goes out of the window. You don’t care about anything. You don’t even care about yourself.
On Monday I’ll have been a year sober. One day at a time. It’s hard for people who are not going to meetings to live in the day. I keep my life to one day at a time.
I don’t think: ‘Oh my God, what am I going to do in a month’s time?’ My head is in a much better place to where it used to be.
I would ask myself: ‘How could I be like that? Why do I keep on gambling? Why do I drink?’ I’m hurting people around me and I keep on doing it.’
I thought it was me. But as soon as you find out it’s an illness it opens up your eyes to understand you are not a bad person. You are an ill person trying to get well.
That’s what I’ve taken out of it – and my life is 100 times better. Don’t get me wrong, I have bad days. But the bad days are better than they were before.
I don’t have to put a drink in me to squash anything. I accept that I’m not well. And every day, so long as I don’t pick up a drink, I won’t get worse.
This is the best thing I’ve ever done. I was in bed on New Year’s Eve by 9.30. I went to an AA meeting, came home, watched ‘The Sting’ and went to bed.
If I have one piece of advice to give to people – talk. Nothing ever gets better if you don’t talk. Once you talk to people, you start seeing the light.
So I hope this campaign works. I hope it gets people to talk, that it sinks in. The campaign advert needs to be on TV in prime time every day of the week, so you can’t get it out of your head.
It can’t be just for one or two days because it’s Mental Health Week. This is every day for some people, 52 weeks a year.
Some people get depressed and don’t even realise it. They just think they’re a bit tired or lonely. They don’t really understand about depression. It does pass – but you have to talk to people.
You’re not a bad person. You’re ill and you need to get better. You just have to reach out and talk.