IT’S NOT THE VIRUS MAKING ME FEEL SICK
NAUSEA isn’t generally one of the symptoms of coronavirus.
Unless you accidentally come across one of the “we’re all in this together” videos posted by a multi-millionaire celebrity from their luxury mansion.
Naturally Madonna has cornered the market on this one. As well as providing the answer to that age-old question: What does a trout in a wind tunnel look like?
Her latest piece of condescending guff has her sitting in a bath, surrounded by candles with her nipples covered in rose petals. Well, soap is tricky to get hold of at the moment I guess.
The bath is marble topped and the taps are worth more than your car. Possibly your home.
There’s a soundtrack of supposedly “relaxing” mood music playing (not even she’s mad enough to use her own stuff ) while she pontificates on pandemics.
Least I think she is because her face is so frozen and her lips so bulbous it’s tricky to tell. Any case Madge’s message is that Covid-19 is the “Great Equaliser” and that it doesn’t discriminate between rich and poor.
Though guessing coughing your guts up and a temperature from hell is slightly more comfortable in gilded Hollywood luxury than in a damp bedsit in Wigan when your only company is unpaid bills.
Plus you can bet your last pack of paracetamol that Material Girl’s bathroom is well stocked in bog roll and coronavirus self-test kits. Hell, she’s probably got her own ventilator and virologist on standby.
But hey she’s sending you all a virtual hug and this is in no way a piece of blatant self publicising. Oh, no, not at all.
And please, before anyone says that the 61 year old is a loud and proud older woman doing her bit for menopausal minxes, just stop. Because on this evidence most of ■ her is younger than the average foetus. This isn’t the only virtual coronavirus cuddle clip she’s posted though. In another one she’s prancing around presumably the same bathroom singing into a hair brush. No idea what you actually have to be on to do this kind of thing but I’m thinking it might be slightly stronger than vitamin C. But what is it with celebrities and Covid-19 that makes them think what the world really needs is to see them behaving like an absolute tit?
The internet is awash with them, they’re more contagious than the bloody virus. Robert De Niro has a clip in which he lectures us on staying indoors before warning: “I’m watching you.” Oh do disappear up your own backside you old goat. Oh, sorry, you obviously already have.
Meanwhile, actress Jennifer Garner bangs on about her bestie Reese Witherspoon and unicorns. Listen luv, unless we can eat the damn unicorns with our stockpiled pasta we DON’T CARE!
Then there’s the group effort where a collection of shameless numpties murder John Lennon’s Imagine; supposedly cool US singer Lizzo playing a flute, telling us she loves us and banging on about mantras and mindfulness. Whatevs. Most of us will probably find gin and tonic more useful.
Of course there are some good ones. Liam Gallagher scrubbing his hands to Wonderwash (see what he did there?) is good clean fun and Gloria Gaynor’s similar lesson in hygiene while belting out her huge hit I Will Survive is proper feelgood.
But can we please draw the line at posing in your knickers/bikini/nothing at all and boasting about your “sexy” self isolation?
Love Island’s Megan Barton Hanson, Geordie Shore’s Chloe Ferry and ubiquitous Demi Rose all guilty as charged.
Maybe they’re simply illustrating the new coronavirus symptom. Loss of taste.