I’m living amid his late mum’s clutter
MY GUY CANNOT LET GO
I DON’T want the entire contents of my partner’s late mother’s house cluttering up our home.
I’m sick of tripping over boxes and squeezing past enormous pieces of dark furniture. We live in a classic 1970s semi.
Our own sofa and chairs are colourful and modern. His late mother’s three-piece suite might be well made, but it’s never going to fit in here. Besides, I hate it all because it’s heavy, depressing and musty.
His mum died during one of the early lockdowns. It was a very sad time. My partner wasn’t able to be with her and none of us could attend the funeral.
Frozen
Her landlord wanted his property back pronto, so everything was hastily relocated here without being properly sorted. I have an enormous chest of drawers in the garage, which still has all of her old pants and nighties in it. I can’t bring myself to touch it.
Sadly, neither can my partner. He’s frozen as far as sorting her stuff goes. Every weekend I nag him to get on with it, but he’s always got an excuse.
First, he was waiting for his brother to come over from Spain, now he’s saying he’ll take some time off work “once the weather
cheers up”. But I’m not holding my breath. He genuinely seems to think that her belongings are worth something and that The Antiques Roadshow is going to come knocking any minute.
He’s deluded and it’s destroying our relationship. If it were up to me, I’d organise a lorry and have the whole lot removed tomorrow. Only he won’t let me and I’m beginning to wonder what is more important to him – me or his mum’s memory.
JANE SAYS: My heart goes out to your partner who is still grieving and confused.
He wasn’t able to comfort
his mum or say goodbye. I suspect he feels guilty, angry and impotent.
Now he’s clinging to her stuff like an emotional life raft. It might not mean anything to you, but those old pieces of furniture clearly invoke all sorts of memories.
It’s a giant task and he doesn’t know where to start. He’s worried about letting his mum down by dumping her gear and not respecting a lifetime of treasures.
But your health is being impacted. Your home is dusty and crowded and it’s no longer safe to move around.
Ask him to consider your views. Suggest organising a work party.
Pick a date (perhaps over Easter or the long bank holiday in June) and get friends and family to come over and lend a hand.
In the meantime, offer to go through his late mother’s stuff one bag or drawer at a time with him. Respect his need to linger.
He’ll feel a whole lot better with a fresh start in an uncluttered, clean environment.
Does he need to seek professional support regarding the grief he’s experiencing?