Hot TV CHOICE

So have you had the call yet? From the judges, I mean, on GRAND DESIGNS: HOUSE OF THE YEAR (9pm, Channel 4), informing you your gaff has made this year’s shortlist? Nope, me neither. Weird, huh? Do you reckon there’s been some kind of admin error?

Or do you suppose our homes just aren’t what they had in mind, even though I went to all the trouble of fixing the loo seat and dousing the carpet with several litres of Dr. Beckmann’s finest pet stain remover?

I bet that’s it, you know. Bloody snobs.

Still, I’m not bitter. Honest, I’m not. Who’d want to live in the sort of spotless gleaming, designery places Kevin McCloud and co. get so excited about on this show?

Take the first one featured tonight, on a south-coast beach. Seabreeze, it’s called.

I mean, OK, it’s dead swanky on the inside. It’s even got its own private spa, so you don’t have to trudge down the leisure centre and sit in the water with Farty Steve from Kwik Fit.

Plus its huge windows are all tripled-glazed, so you can sit and watch the magnificent crashing waves without having to hear that din they make.

But it’s not got any curtains. These places Kevin raves about never do, do they? Sorry, but I like curtains.

Also, it’s 100 metres plus from the road. You have to walk to it across the sand. So I doubt you’d get any post turning up from one month to the next.

For that reason alone, I’d rather stay where I currently live, on the edge of a city. These days ours comes as often as once a fortnight.