Groucho the gag master
CAN’T GET QUICKER THAN QUICKWIT MARX
★ WOKE theatre bosses slapped a warning on a new Groucho Marx play because it features a prop cigar and pretend smoke, as we revealed yesterday.
The quick-witted star was one of America’s most famous comedians and equally well known for having a smoke in his hand as he was for delivering brilliant one-liners.
★ Here KIM CARR rounds up some of his greatest gags…
On remembering people: “I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.”
On nights out: “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn’t it.”
On clubs: “I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”
Asked about women’s rights: “I like either side of them.”
On ageing: “A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”
On marriage: “Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?”
On life: “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
On reading: “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
On the fairer sex: “Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife.”
On principles: “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well, I have others.”
On TV: “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
On friendship: “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’”
On mistakes: “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
On idiots: “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
On fun: “If you’re not having fun you’re doing something wrong.”
On superstition: “If a black cat crosses your path it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
On romance: “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance your wife is bound to interfere.”
On hospitals: “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
On enjoyment: “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book I might have a little fun.”
On happiness: “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day – today – and I’m going to be happy in it.”
On men: “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.”
On other people: “I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”
On alimony: “Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”
On beliefs: “Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”