He talks a load of crystal balls...

TODAY Spurs social media announce Heung-min Son as the club’s table tennis champion. There’s no video footage of Son playing anyone, due to his teammates being too scared to pick up a ping pong bat.

TOMORROW Vladimir Putin sees a clip of Anel Ahmedhodzic’s defence of Mason Holgate’s horror tackle on Kaora Mitoma and asks the Sheffield United centre half to be his head of communications.

SATURDAY The Voice of the Mysterons tells Arsenal manager Captain Black to get his own back on Newcastle’s non-stop time wasting by doing his run down the touchline victory celebration in slow motion. It drives Toon assistant boss Jason Tindall crazy as he has to wait ten minutes to get in the camera shot for the post-game handshakes.

SUNDAY Chelsea beating Liverpool to the signature of Moises Caicedo from Brighton in the summer backfires when the midfielder’s penalty shoot-out miss costs them Carabao Cup final glory. Mauricio Pochettino fears his days at Stamford Bridge are over when owner Todd Boehly marches into the dressing room to tell him Seagulls boss Robert De Zerbi is wanted as Jurgen Klopp’s replacement.

MONDAY Mark Clattenburg admits he has done bugger all to help Nuno Espirito Santo’s team as Referee Analyst, but claims his dodgy calls ensured a Forest fan made the semi-final on Gladiators.

TUESDAY After Luton rolled out the red carpet for Harry Styles, Pep Guardiola goes ballistic at Kenilworth Road, screaming he deserves the popstar treatment. When asked what happened, Hatters boss Rob Edwards says: “Mick Harford wouldn’t give him a Strong Mint.”

WEDNESDAY Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United, Man City and Spurs are still pointless in the European Super League.