He talks a load of crystal balls...

TODAY Manchester United manager Erik cone Head is named as a special envoy to the Church of Scientology. A spokesperson for the religious movement says the Dutchman has the perfect mix of looks and delusional confidence to convince the world we are reincarnated aliens.

TOMORROW Burnley

boss Vincent Kompany calls in outrageous new Emmerdale character Ruby Fox-Milligan to lift the club after seeing the impact she has had on the fictional Dingles.

SATURDAY Arsenal fans are up in arms after wind-up king Neal Maupay causes minor injuries to a number of Gooners by hitting them with the ball during the warm-up and causing them to spill hot drinks on themselves. When asked about it, Bees boss Thomas the Frank Engine says choo choo before adding Maupay could not have meant it, he’s not that good a shot.

SUNDAY Jurgone Klopp KOs Pep ‘call me’ Godiola in a drunken brawl after City and Liverpool draw at Anfield. Sharing a second bottle of Rioja, Pep asks the German if he would like to work with him in Manchester after he quits, only to offer him the role of pot washer at his restaurant.

MONDAY Mykhailo Mudryk’s habit of pointing his finger while dribbling causes Toon ace Anthony Gordon to go ballistic at Stamford Bridge. He accuses the Chelsea winger of disrespecting him by trying to recreate the Spider-Man meme.

TUESDAY Sussex Police arrest a man who was accused of stalking Brighton tea lady Tiggy Clutterbuck while she was shopping at Waitrose. The unnamed man was released without charge when it was confirmed he was working as a scout for Chelsea.

WEDNESDAY Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United, Man City and Spurs are still pointless in the European Super League.