He talks a load of crystal balls...

TODAY Mauricio Pochettino stands up for Chelsea fans, as he denies they are hypocrites for singing songs about Newcastle’s Saudi owners, insisting the only thing Todd Boehly has tortured is a football club.

TOMORROW Wataru Endo is shocked to receive a parcel from Pep ‘call me’ Godiola. Inside is a Maneki-Neko – a waving cat good luck figurine – and a note: “Sorry for taking this. It was stuck to Kevin De Bruyne when I took him out of your pocket”.

SATURDAY A Newcastle fan who left two season tickets on his dashboard before seeing his side lose 3-0 in the FA Cup at Manchester City, returns to his parked car to find the windscreen smashed and four season tickets.

SUNDAY Manchester United players surround the ref after he gives Liverpool a late winning penalty in their FA Cup clash. Weirdly, it is John Brooks who is the one firing off all the shots. Boss Erik cone Head later insists this was the plan, his players dominated the argument, defended when they had to and the ref never threatened.

MONDAY Sir Jim Ratcliffe is stopped by furious United fans demanding to know who will be manager next season. He ignores all suggestions that he is talking to Roberto De Zerbi and Graham Potter but when links with a mid-table manager come up, he admits it’s possible that Erik cone Head will stay.

TUESDAY Kalvin Philips arrives at St George’s and tells Gareth Southgate that his poor form is down to insomnia but after seeing a therapist he is now sleeping like a baby thanks to a magic pill. Southgate responds: “That’s good Kalvin, but where the f*** were you yesterday”.

WEDNESDAY Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United, Man City and Spurs are still pointless in the European Super League.