He talks a load of crystal balls...

TODAY Mauricio Pochettino uses a supercomputer to predict how much better Manchester United would be if he had got the manager’s job. The AI programme concludes that United would now be the best team in the Premier League for training ground barbecues.

TOMORROW After Pep ‘call me’ Godiola calls Erling Haaland the best striker in the world in response to Roy Keane saying the Norwegan looks like a League Two player, Manchester United boss Erik cone Head admits he wants to sign any ex-Ajax strikers playing in the fourth tier of English football.

SATURDAY Referee Anthony Taylor leaks out news that an unnamed Premier League manager told him to stick his cards up his arse, which explains why he finds it such a struggle to pull out a yellow in the first half of games.

SUNDAY Erik cone Head is questioned about his future after Manchester United lose 4-0 to Jurgone Klopp’s Liverpool. He says: “I only need another four trophies in the next seven seasons to be able to walk away on my own terms as a legend.”

MONDAY Ahead of the huge Champions League clash with Real Madrid, Spanish reporters ask Father Jack Grealish what he was thinking when Pep ‘call me’ Godiola started coaching him on the pitch after the bore draw with Arsenal. The City star growls: “Drink! Feck! Girls!”

TUESDAY Thomas Tuchel is bemused by the reaction of Arsenal fans to Harry Kane celebrating scoring at the Emirates by revealing a Tottenham shirt under his Bayern Munich kit, as he insists it was far more insulting to the six-time European champions.

WEDNESDAY Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United, Man City and Spurs are still pointless in the European Super League.