Mystic Mug

He talks a load of crystal balls...

TODAY

Jurgone Klopp admits he read the riot act to his Liverpool players after they threw away two points at Old Trafford. When asked if he was more angry with his strikers for missing chances or his defenders for giving away soft goals, Klopp responds: “Neither, I am just furious that I now have to give s*** about a game between Man United and Arsenal.”

TOMORROW

Sean Dyche wakes up in a cold sweat and fearing the worst after having a flashback to the recent Premier League manager’s meeting where he had dessert with his lunch which took him over the £30 food allowance.

SATURDAY

The mayors of Plzen in Czechia, Mostar in Bosnia and Lugano in Switzerland believe their local economies may receive a significant boost from Saudi Arabia next winter as Newcastle look like spending their Thursday night’s in the Europa Conference League.

SUNDAY

The voice of the Mysterons tells Arsenal boss Captain Black to boost the confidence of defender Gabriel by putting him on Tinder using the profile name “The Pick Up Artist”. Only Unai Emery swipes right, texting: “I can show you a good ebening.”

MONDAY

Axed director of football John Murtough tells Manchester United’s head of HR at his exit interview that his best signing was the “No Right Turn” he placed above Antony’s locker.

TUESDAY

David Raya arrives at the airport hours before his team-mates to board the plane to Munich for the Champions League quarterfinal second-leg clash after buying a Harry Kane alarm clock which causes him to dive out of bed far too early.

WEDNESDAY

Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United, Man City and Spurs are still pointless in the European Super League.