He talks a load of crystal balls...

TODAY

Gary Lineker falls asleep and dreams about yelling at Pep ‘call me’ Godiola what’s unacceptable is Manchester City can go a year without facing up to 115 charges of cheating while two other clubs have been deducted points within weeks and that if he really cared about player welfare, he would have rested his star men against Chelsea. Lineker wakes up in a cold sweat and immediately tweets

Pep a good luck message in

Catalan.

TOMORROW

Nuno Espirito

Santo explodes when PGMOL announce the VAR for Forest’s home match against City is Noel Gallagher.

SATURDAY

Sean Dyche tells master troller Neal Maupay he has a future back on Merseyside as captain. Turns out the M&S Bank Arena want the French striker to star in their Peter Pan panto this winter as the villain Hook. Dyche reassures the confused Everton loanee: “Don’t worry, we’re all behind you.”

SUNDAY

The voice of the Mysterons warns Arsenal boss Captain Black to stop using sacrificial voodoo rituals to boost the confidence of Gabriel because the centrehalf is starting to use the headless chickens as a blueprint for how he should defend.

MONDAY

Carlo Ancelotti’s revelation that Real Madrid’s king of late goals Jude Bellingham can arrive in Munich for their Champions League semifinal against Bayern after half-time causes more than one eyebrow to be raised.

TUESDAY Bernardo Silva demands a pay rise from Pep ‘call me’ Godiola for helping him outfox the broadcasters and earning City a muchneeded week off with his penalty against Real Madrid.

WEDNESDAY

Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United, Man City and Spurs are still pointless in the European Super League.