Mystic Mug He talks a load of crystal balls...

TODAY Thiago Silva tearfully reveals he is going in for the snip after being overlooked for a coaching role at Chelsea. Blues boss Mauricio Pochettino says they need someone to break the balls of his cocky young players and that is why he is offering the job to the Brazilian’s outspoken wife, Belle, instead.

TOMORROW Stuart Attwell is spotted in the away end at Goodison Park but denies being the ‘MadHatterRef’ that tweeted: “Funny Forest aren’t questioning the integrity of Man City fan Chris Wood.”

SATURDAY Roy Keane may think lowly of Erling Haaland’s ball control, but he’s tickled to hear the City striker is now a playable character in the Clash of Clans video game. “I bet it has all the qualities of a League Two Barbarian King,” chuckles Keano.

SUNDAY Accusations that Michael Oliver relies so much on tech he is no longer able to make a decision on his own grow louder following the Brighton v Aston Villa match. There are no controversial moments, unless you count Oliver being replaced as VAR after a GPS failure resulted in him spending the duration of the game driving round a Stockley Park roundabout.

MONDAY Marcus Rashford tries to appease his abusers with a Eric Cantona-style display at Selhurst Park. His turned up collar goes down well but a half-hearted attempt to kung-fu kick a Palace fan sees the United star crash into the advertising boards and limp off injured.

TUESDAY Jurgone Klopp is questioned about what he is doing to make following him as Liverpool boss easier for Arne Slot. The German snaps: “Surely choking away three trophies is enough help?”

WEDNESDAY Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United, Man City and Spurs are still pointless in the European Super League.