Daily Star

Top 10 tips to become a ‘good’ MP

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❑ Well boys and girls some great opportunit­ies for a job as an MP come the general election. There will be plenty of vacancies. Here are my top 10 tips to qualify as an MP… 1 to be able to lie and keep a straight face. 2 to be able to talk non stop and say nothing. 3 never answer a direct question. 4 be able to fill an expenses form blindfolde­d. 5 practise the word “sorry” – it’s your stay out of jail card and can be used for a whole lot of circumstan­ces. 6 also practise the words “no I never read that email it’s the first I’ve heard”. 7 own at least 2 houses and do at least 2 jobs on the side. 8 also practise the saying “in real terms we are spending more than ever” because no one will challenge your statement. 9 remember it’s ok to say one thing and do another. 10 finally try saying this with sincerity: “what north south divide?” Good luck all you hopefuls. Pomfretian ❑ North Yorkshire Council has decided to remove apostrophe­s from addresses because their computers can’t handle them. Wouldn’t it be better to update the computers’ understand­ing of the English language or is it because the computers and artificial intelligen­ce have already taken over the Council’s common sense? How long before English is replaced by computer speech? Some words have already been replaced by emojis and abbreviati­ons. Perhaps the council needs some counsellin­g before it is cancelled. Dennis Fitzgerald

❑ Do you know how long it will take to ‘stop oil’ with alternativ­e fuels? Let me give you a hint most of our generation won’t be around to se it happen you plonkers. Alan in Teesdale ❑ MICHAEL GOVE recently addressed the TORIES saying HARD LINE right wing policies should be less reactionar­y / extreme and Tories should NOT feel good about themselves rather like ‘comfort eating’ bemusingly quoting KATE MOSS ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’ Michael should concentrat­e on leveling up as ‘Nothing looks as bad as a L/U minister not travelling further north than Watford.’ Brian Linford Pontefract

❑ man u fans carnt get rid of their seats for wed’s game v newcastle fast enough. at this rate there’ll be more toon fans there than theirs. mike the magpie

❑ if Man City win next two games they “win” the league. THE ASTERISKS ARE PILING UP. TETS

❑ so Ten Hag is at it again sayin that we supporters no nothin about football. do the right thing an walk away now before ur kicked out. sam saunders walsall ❑ Cheesemong­er Edward Hancock says that Gouda is perfect to dunk in a cup of coffee. I stopped having milk in coffee around 14 years ago, and I never thought of dunking cheese in a cup would be a good substitute. Cheese on toast, or with savoury biscuits is an ideal partner to a cup of coffee, so let’s just leave it like that! Dave Pinfold, Stockport

❑ my neighbour just come to my door with her tea she said face book was down and she wanted me to see what she was having for her tea! Tony worksop

❑ Once again, thank you so much for all the recent animal photograph­s in your brilliant newspaper, especially the beautiful 2-page spread of Effie the gorilla and her adorable baby. Please continue to print them-they brighten my day,and I collect them all. MARIA ❑ We renewed our wedding vows yesterday. She promised to make me the happiest man in the world. Woke up this morning and she’s still here what’s going on? Francis

❑ Me and the missus arguing. “I’m going to join a dating agency and see what happens!’’ “Well make sure it’s a carbon dating agency, darling!” Andy Rimmer Preston

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 ?? Flaming Keith ?? ■ Samantha Barks should sing our next Eurovision entry. What a talent. Pic please.
Flaming Keith ■ Samantha Barks should sing our next Eurovision entry. What a talent. Pic please.

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