Eric’s Wise words...
HE was the funnyman loved by millions but 40 years ago tomorrow Eric Morecambe tragically died from a heart attack at the age of 58.
The pipe-smoking star, famous for his TV double act with Ernie Wise, died on May 28, 1984, collapsing off stage after a performance at a theatre in Tewkesbury, Glos.
Now, to recall his genius,
JAMES MOORE serves up some of the best comic one-liners delivered by the great man…
“My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.”
(Hearing sirens wailing) “He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed.”
“After every joke I got a tremendous round of applause. Then I found out there was a waiter trying to get some HP Sauce out of a bottle.”
“I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.”
“I get airsick just licking an airmail stamp.”
“I used to play football in my youth. Then my eyes went bad. That’s why I became a referee.”
“The average man could be replaced by a hot water bottle.”
“The Des in Des O’Connor is short for Desperate.”
“She was a wonderful girl. Every time I saw her, time stood still. She had a face that could stop a clock.”
To top conductor André
Previn: “I’m playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.”
“When I went to pick her up last night, she opened the door in her negligee – that’s a funny place to have a door.”
“In the army I was the general’s chauffeur until I was court-martialled for obeying an order. The general said: ‘Morecambe, you’ll drive me up the wall.’ So I did.”
“I was a pretty handy fighter in my youth. I could lick any man with one hand. Unfortunately, I could never find anyone with one hand who wanted a fight.”
“How long will dinner be?” “Four inches – it’s a sausage!”
“These peas are a bit big!” “They’re sprouts!”
“What’s on television?” “A fruit bowl and an ashtray.”
“People always ask me if Ernie really does wear a wig. I’m sworn to secrecy, but let’s just say he keeps Axminster Carpets in business. Without him they’d be on the floor.”
“I thought you said she had a million-dollar figure?” “She has, but all in loose change.”
“What would you do if you found a man in bed with your wife?” “I’d kick his dog and break his white stick!”
“I didn’t come here to be insulted!” “Where do you normally go?”
“Did you see my Bottom at Stratford-upon-Avon? Many consider it my best part.”
“Last year, at the beginning of August, we planted our first bulb and at Christmas we had the most charming little bedside lamp.”
“I know this great doctor. If you’re at death’s door, he’ll pull you through.”