How to spot the signs that you are being ‘gaslighted’

GASLIGHTING is a term used to describe a type of emotional abuse in which the perpetrator manipulates their victim in such a way that they start to question their perceptions, their experiences and even their own sanity.

The name “gaslighting” originates from the 1938 play and subsequent film Gaslight by Patrick Hamilton, which tells the story of a devious husband who systematically manipulates the home environment (including dimming the gas lights). When his wife notices the changes, he dismisses her concerns and convinces her that she is mistaken, to the point that she believes she is losing her mind.

Gaslighting often starts off very subtly and takes place over a prolonged period of time so the victim may not realise what is happening until the damage is done.

Examples of gaslighting include: trivialising how the victim feels; saying and doing things but later denying any knowledge of this; making the victim believe that other people are talking about them behind their back; and insisting that the victim has done or said things that never actually occurred.

Often gaslighting provides a way for the perpetrator to control their victims by undermining their sense of reality, damaging their selfesteem and creating circumstances that foster dependence on the abuser.

Common signs of gaslighting include: Frequently questioning or doubting yourself; feeling more anxious and less confident than you used to be; having difficulty making decisions; over apologising and assuming the blame whenever things go wrong; making excuses for the other person’s behaviour; becoming isolated and withdrawn; Feeling down, depressed or hopeless.

While this list is by no means exhaustive, if you regularly experience the thoughts and feelings described above, it may be because you are being gaslighted.

Recognising the signs of ‘Gaslighting’ can leave you fearful without knowing why gaslighting is the first step to recovering from its damaging effects.

If you think gaslighting may be a problem in your relationship talk to a trusted friend or family member about your concerns. Addressing the problem will seem much more manageable if you feel supported by people who care about you.

Remember that gaslighting can affect people in lots of different ways and you may feel unsure of yourself and your ability to cope.

Seeking professional help from a counsellor or therapist may also be an important step on your road to recovery.

Dr Ellie Milby is a counselling psychologist