Let me help you with that Lövkvast, I’m learning to speak Ikea
We’ve been to Ikea. If you are buying a kitchen it's practically a rite of passage, innit?
Very Swedish. Calm and ordered, which is surprising in the light of their Viking past.
Perhaps Erik the Left-Handed Skullsplitter and the boys just got fed up of burning, looting and generally running amok and instead of terrorising people decided to baffle them with names of flat pack furniture they couldn’t pronounce.
It wouldn’t surprise me to know there's a show on Swedish TV using hidden camera footage of us standing in front of bins trying to pronounce Lövkvast. Bet Sven and Freya hoot with laughter on their Eltorp sofa.
A quiet day in that massive store can be an eerie experience. The room layouts can make you think that you’ve actually blundered into someone's bedroom, someone you instantly hate because you just know they have a strictly Scandi approach to sock drawer arranging.
It’s a tad disorienting, so when I had to go visit the loo, which seems to be just outside Dalkeith, I left strict instructions to himself not to move from that spot in front of the Knoxhult kitchen.
Like a sailor taking star readings for dead-reckoning navigation, I took careful note of passing through Gursken on my starboard and Songesand at about thirty degrees West. The constellations of Kallax and Kivik were just about visible and, of course, Pax was straight ahead.
Still managed to get lost on the way back, lured by the siren call of Dänka ironing boards and the Boaxel laundry combination. I don’t even know what it is, but suddenly I want one.
They sell things you did even realise you needed, like handy little LED portable lamps, that suddenly become a must-have. Mind you, they might be taking this a bit far. Just as we were leaving, there was an announcement over the PA.
"Can Clare Nimmo meet her husband in the kitchen department?"
Can she? Will she? Good lord. What is this? Love Island: Ikea Style? I’ll bet Sven and Freya will be tuning in next week. Will Clare find love in the Enköping Shaker Style Kitchen?