DOLLY ALDERTON

I’ve had an intrinsic impulse to document ever since I was four years old. It wasn’t emotional to start with, just lists of what I’d eaten and the animals I’d seen at Hackney City Farm. Then, at 16, I tragically discovered blogspot.com and ‘workshopped’ my writing voice, trying out different hats (Carrie Bradshaw, cutting political commentator) while continuing to keep private notebooks, too.

As someone who hated the lack of autonomy in adolescence, my notebooks represented a grown-up space that was completely mine. Everything about me and what I wanted to be was in those pages. When my first big crush told me he loved me, I recorded what he said verbatim. It wasn’t for juicy reading, it was because writing it all down was the only way I could process the moment.

During my 2Os, before I moved into my current flat on my own and when my flatmates were asleep, I’d sit in front of my laptop with a cigarette and write about what was on my mind while listening to John Martin records. It was a sacred time, and I remember thinking I never want to lose that relationship with myself.

Now I record everything, from dialogue I overhear to things I feel and interesting characters I meet. It’s not a daily habit, but if I’m going through something emotional, I’ll always write it out. Importantly, I’ve realised my notebooks help me understand the seasons of my life. I have a huge fear of death, and I work through that by expressing and reflecting on the passage of time. I think that’s why I’m so nostalgic.

In one of my favourite essays, On Keeping a

Notebook, Joan Didion talks about them being a way to keep in touch with your past and future self – and that really resonates with me. Whenever I revisit my diaries, I’m compassionate and protective towards ‘me’ from the past – especially when she’s 17 and first discovers sex – but I’m also relieved I’m not her anymore. I’m more fascinated by the insects of time caught in amber: where I was going that day, or what I was eating or wearing. I do notice emotional patterns: 11-year-old me and 21-year-old me wished she looked differently, which is upsetting, and until my early 2Os there’s a theme where I’m trying to force men to be interested in me.

I’m never left thinking, ‘I’m going to change my life’ after writing or reading my notebooks, but using them to reflect and accept the way I am, while reminding myself that there’s always room for personal growth, is cathartic and empowering. Dolly’s book, Everything I Know About Love, is out now

“I do NOTICE EMOTIONAL PATTERNS: 11YEAR-OLD me

and 21-YEAROLD ME WISHED

SHE LOOKED

DIFFERENTLY”