IS THIS THE END OF MONOGAMY?

Molly Roden Winter’s best-selling memoir about her open marriage has blown the polyamory conversation wide open. Here, she shares all she has learnt

IN 2008, AFTER ALMOST A DECADE OF marriage and the arrival of two children, my husband and I decided to open our relationship. Perhaps ‘decided’ is too strong a word. What really happened is, having given so much of my being to marriage and to motherhood, I reached a breaking point. I needed to reclaim myself. And sexual freedom was the form this reclamation took.

The first 10 years included a wide spectrum of emotions, ranging between higher highs and lower lows than perhaps any other decade of my life. I went through the thrill of falling in love again and the pain of heartbreak. I felt the fear of blowing up my marriage and the rock-solid security of choosing my husband (as he chose me) again and again. I experienced the shame of wanting to escape my life and the joy of authentically integrating parts of myself that had long laid dormant. So now, 24 years into marriage and 16 years after opening our relationship, my husband and I have continued on this path. We maintain loving partnerships outside of our marriage. And yet we are more connected to one another – and to ourselves – than ever before.

Our children – adults now, forging lives of their own – spend (appropriately) scant time considering the peculiarities of their parents’ relationship. We have also ‘come out’ about our non-monogamous life to family and friends. A few eyebrows were raised, but not only have these relationships been sustained – they have deepened. It turns out that when you reveal an authentic and intimate truth, people often respond by sharing a bit more of their own humanity.

So, yes, open marriage still works for me and I have no interest in returning to monogamy. Apparently, I’m not alone. From the popularity of my book to the influx of non-monogamy in TV and film (Succession and Poor Things come to mind), poly life has left the fringes and become increasingly mainstream. Perhaps our postpandemic society is more able to look at convention with a critical eye. Perhaps the loneliness epidemic is leading people to seek multiple connections rather than relying on the default setting of monogamy. Whatever the reason, one thing is clear: polyamory is having a cultural moment.

But when people ask if I would recommend nonmonogamy, I am hesitant. This is why I wrote a memoir, not an open-marriage manifesto. Nevertheless, if you’re considering joining the zeitgeist, I’d like to offer some of my own hard-won wisdom. FIRST, DECIDE IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TRY IT. Non-monogamy is not a quick fix for a failing relationship – it’s more like boot camp. It will not be easy. Is one partner more enthusiastic than the other about opening up? A good rule of thumb is that the person with the greatest trepidation goes first – and sets the pace. BE READY TO HONE YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS. One cheeky saying in the poly community is ‘swingers have sex without talking; poly folk talk without having sex.’ It’s true that polyamory requires a great deal of communication, honest introspection and compassion for yourself as well as your partners. If communication isn’t your strong suit, you may want to consider developing your skill set with a couple’s therapist.

DON’T OUTSOURCE YOUR HAPPINESS. Sometimes people open up their relationship because one partner feels the other is not ‘making them happy’. The truth is that nobody can make you happy. You have to do that for yourself. To this end, be sure to keep other storylines alive in your life. Spend time with friends. Find creative and physical outlets. (During my openmarriage journey, for example, I also discovered guitar and boxing.) By feeding your own spirit, you will be able to give and receive more in your relationships.

MAKE FRIENDS WITH JEALOUSY. The Ethical Slut, long considered the poly Bible, says: ‘Jealousy is often the mask worn by the most difficult inner conflict you’re having.’ For me, it masked my insecurity, my fear that I would lose my husband’s love, a desire for more attention. Instead of burying my needs, I now express them freely – and my husband can help me hold them.

FINALLY, STAY CURIOUS ABOUT YOURSELF. Notice what feels good. Be willing to examine the things that are challenging. Regardless of the particulars of your situation, it is out of awareness that self-discovery occurs. As my mother tells me in More, ‘Everything that happens in life is an opportunity to learn about yourself. Don’t waste this opportunity.’

‘More: A Memoir of Open Marriage’ by Molly Roden Winter (£18.99, Ebury Press) is out now.