HOW MUCH IS A PINT OF MILK
ROBERT SHEEHAN
Robert Sheehan on the white stuff.
When were you last naked outdoors?
About ten minutes ago. I’ve come away for a lovely weekend with friends in a cabin by a lake and when we arrived we jumped in. I was in the nip. It’s a bit like Caligula here.
What one thing do you do better than anyone else you know?
Do you know what I’ve got very good at recently? I’ve been cultivating many flowers and plants. It gives me a disproportionate level of joy, but also a disproportionate level of tragedy when raccoons burrow through my basil.
When were you most starstruck?
When I met Sam Rockwell recently, on Mute. I was having my wig put on, with headphones on, completely off in my own world. Then I opened my eyes and I see in the mirror, behind me is Sam Rockwell coming into the trailer. I always thought that if I met him I’d tell him about the essay I wrote about him for my final English exams and how much I’ve loved him for years. He said, “Hi, I’m Sam!” I shook his hand and said fuck all. I had nothing. Then he was whisked away from me.
In your did you first school play, what role play?
It was Oliver in Oliver With A Twist. The twist was that the school principal had decided to write some comedy sketches into the play. That was where I caught the bug and started on the path to becoming the obnoxious arsehole I am today.
What is the worst smell in the world?
Either cat piss or, and she’ll never forgive me for this, my sister’s farts.
How much is a pint of milk?
£1.68. No? Look, I am very bourgeois and don’t buy milk. What use have I for milk?
What is the best thing you’ve ever stolen from a hotel?
A giant candle from a centrepiece in the Corinthia Hotel in Budapest. The manager came round to the apartment I was in and said, “Mr Sheehan, if you need candles we can get you some, but we do need that one back.” I thought I’d stolen it like a master criminal.
What’s your earliest memory?
Sitting on my living room floor, playing with my train set, while my father sat on the brown couch with his giant legs. His legs are still giant.
Have you ever written fan mail?
No, but I was in Toronto recently and there was a thing where you could send a postcard for free and I immediately thought of my friend Dave, who lives in Toronto. I wrote him a very stalkery postcard saying I’ve been stealing his underpants from his washing line.
What is the strangest place you’ve ever been sick?
I was once very hungover in Victoria Station and I was running for the Gatwick Express. I reached it just in time and as the doors were closing, I puked between the door and the tracks.
What is the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?
My friend Andreas’ foot, which he’s trying to put in my mouth right now.
What movie have you seen more than any other?
Probably The Green Mile, which I always seem to be watching at Christmas. And The Big Lebowski, but that’s not anything to do with Christmas, though. Oh, that wasn’t part of the question, was it?
Do you have a nickname?
Hang on, I’ll ask my friends here. [Some brief shouting and laughing] Apparently it’s ‘Dickhead’.
On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is your arse?
I am quite hairless. I’ve been doing quite a few naked scenes of late and people look at me and say, “What do you use?” I would say a three for my arse.
BAD SAMARITAN IS IN CINEMAS FROM 24 AUGUST