PINT OF MILK
Peter Sarsgaaaaaaaaaard.
Do you have a signature dish?
I’m not that much of a cook, but I do bake bread. I bake all different kinds of bread. I actually have a loaf in front of me right now. In my family, it’s called ‘Daddy Bread’.
What would you call your autobiography?
I imagine an autobiography that I wrote would be all about other people. ‘Gossip’ would have to be in the title somewhere. So: ‘Gossip: The Peter Sarsgaard Story’.
What is the worst smell in the world?
A female ginkgo tree. Terrible. It smells rotten. There’s actually one on our street. I think it’s one of the oldest tree species in the world. It’s been around since the dinosaurs. It just smells like rotten shit. Awful.
What one thing do you do better than anyone else you know?
Grow apples. I mean, the guy that I learned to do it from does it better than I do, but I wouldn’t count him as somebody I know. I have an orchard, and I actually have 20 gallons of cider going right now. You don’t really need great apples to make cider.
How much is a pint of milk?
How much does it cost? I buy it by the gallon. So, like, six bucks a gallon. It’s more expensive than gasoline. I’m in Vermont for the holidays right now. Around here, a lot of the time, it’s just bartering. Actually, these days in Vermont, marijuana is legal to grow, but not to sell. So it seems that everybody’s always trying to use marijuana as their bartering tool, but it’s completely worthless because it’s so prevalent! That’s actually nicer than other forms of legalisation — to actually make it worthless, which is what it is, it’s just a weed.
Do you have a nickname?
I don’t go by a nickname anymore, but when I was a kid, living in Oklahoma, they called me ‘Petey-wheatie’ because they thought I was going to be on the [US cereal] Wheaties box. I was an athlete and athletes like Bruce [now Caitlyn] Jenner were on the Wheaties box at the time.
Do you have a favourite joke?
It’s pretty lame, very short: “Camping is intense.” Sometimes, if the joke is just so dumb and simple, it gets good again. It’s sort of the David Letterman model — if you say a dumb joke three times, on the third time it starts to get good again.
Which movie have you seen the most?
It’s not because it’s my favourite movie, but because growing up we had the video of it, you know? I saw The Mission a million times. We would just put it on for the music — Ennio Morricone. [Hums a section of the theme]
What is your earliest memory?
Err… no idea. Probably, like, falling out of a tree or something like that? I liked to climb trees as a kid. I’m not somebody who remembers much. Whenever something happened in the past, I say “the other day”, and it could be four years ago.
Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever thrown up?
On my father’s sweater. As a child. I have a memory of being in some fancy hotel lobby, saying I had to throw up, and then it was happening.
I just pulled the sweater out like you’d hold apples.
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?
My own fingers when I’ve been cleaning up after the chickens. You know that thought where you go: “I have not washed my hands.” Not a specific case — just a general: “Wow, I hope I didn’t just get bird flu.” We keep chickens: two roosters, eight hens. Actually, one of the roosters was supposed to be a hen. At first we thought it was just a very non-binary chicken. We even gave it a gender-fluid name. And then everyone’s been telling me: no, it is actually a rooster.
On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is your arse? I couldn’t say. I’ve never seen it.
MR. JONES is in CINEMAS FROM 7 FEBRUARY