PINT OF MILK

Does Maya Rudolph know her daily dairy prices?

When were you most starstruck?

I had a very bizarre one. I wasn’t aware that I was starstruck until it was happening. The first time I went to the Oscars, when we walked into the theatre, I saw George Clooney in front of me — and I put my arms open wide like I was seeing an old friend, thinking in my mind that I knew him. Him being the gentleman that he is, he got right up, put a big smile on his face and opened his arms. As I’m walking over to hug him, I’m thinking, “Wow, I used to work with this guy. It’s so nice to see him!” — and as my arms were coming around his back, I realised I’d never met this person in my life. I’d never experienced that before. I genuinely lost my mind for a moment. Poor guy. God bless him, he just welcomed me with open arms and enveloped me. I will forever love him for that. That’s real star quality. I was in a trance.

Do you have a nickname?

I guess people like to call me Maya Papaya. Old friends either call me Rudy, or May-may, or Mai Tai. Maya’s a tough nickname name, I gotta be honest. I wish I had a ton more.

What would you call your autobiography?

‘I Don’t Like Leaving’. I think that’s a good one. I actually don’t like leaving. Before I travel, I’m not fun to be around, in terms of my anxiety and nervousness about travel. I never want to leave my home. And then I get there and I have a great time and I never want to leave that place. I never want to leave, anywhere, ever. That’s a good title for my autobiography, I think it envelops life in general.

What is the worst smell in the world?

[Laughs] That’s a really funny question. I would definitely like to answer this one correctly. There are several. A dead rat? Pretty horrible. Dead rat is up there for me. Also, any perfumey candle can go straight to hell. I can’t wear perfume, so anything that has a strong fragrance makes me sick. For me it feels like nose pollution.

Do you have a signature dish?

I can’t think of anything. Other than toast with avocado on it, which sounds really lame. I can’t live with that answer. People are going to be going, “Avo-fucking-cado? Are you kidding me?” Such a California answer. I mean, I guess it’s a roast chicken. I do a lot of massaging of butter, and then putting butter and rosemary under the skin. I just started branching out and trying to spatchcock my bird, because what I really want to master is Chicken al Mattone — chicken under a brick. Chicken under a brick is my goal, but I get lazy and just make a roast chicken.

ILLUSTRATION How much is a pint of milk?

ARN0

I mean, a pint is just a glass, right? Like a pint of beer? I’ve personally never bought a pint of milk. I’m gonna say, if you’re buying a pint of milk, you’re in a restaurant, and it’s probably more expensive than it should be. So it’s probably three bucks. Four with inflation.

What was your role in your first school play?

I was a maid. It was a Japanese folktale called The Nightingale. I think I did a lot of giggling. I probably had a couple of little lines. I’ll be honest with you, when you’re told you’re the maid, you’re not seeing your name in neon lights just yet.

What one thing do you do better than anyone else?

Make up fake songs. And I’m very good at ordering food for other people.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?

Earwax. Not intentionally. I don’t ever remember taking my finger and placing earwax in my mouth, but I do recall the flavour of it and being really upset by it, so I’m sure that that’s how it happened, although I have no clear recognition of it. The only other thing I can think of is, years ago, ordering some sort of raw squid dish prepared in a very salty soy-type sauce. And the combination of flavours was so upsetting to my mouth. I probably tolerated the ear wax better. JOHN NUGENT

LUCA IS ON DISNEY+ FROM 18 JUNE