Evening Standard - ES Magazine
Laura Craik is UPFRONT about the almighty al fresco chill
Laura Craik braves the big pub chill, makes a rallying cry for local restaurants and tracks down the ultimate TikTok Dad
“Maybe I WAS counting on a BUMPER , fourhour perimenopausal HOT FLUSH. Maybe I thought THERE would be patio HEATERS”
Last week, I ranted about the petty irritations of booking a two-hour slot in a beer garden. Who was that silly, innocent creature who imagined it was fun or desirable to freeze their tits off until closing time? Did I think I lived in Furnace Creek? Maybe I thought my puffer coat was warmer than it is. Maybe I was counting on a bumper, four-hour perimenopausal hot flush. Maybe I thought there would be patio heaters.
But there aren’t, are there? Or at least, not enough. Even if you are smart enough to have had the foresight to request a table next to one, your troubles aren’t over — especially if you have the misfortune of sitting in closest proximity. ‘PUSH THE BUTTON!’ your friends will yelp every 120 seconds, causing you to reach backwards in a way destined to cause you musculoskeletal issues in later life. When you get home — face barbecued, shoulder dislocated, hair electrocuted to a frizz — you will not be the giddy version of yourself that a night out usually elicits. No: you’ll need a Nurofen and a chiropractor.
As any Londoner who has dared brave their tundra-like conditions will know, some outside spaces are offering a more eco-friendly alternative to the patio heater: the beer blanket. But not all beer blankets are created equal. At five-star hotels such as Claridge’s and the Corinthia, they come in cashmere or angora, in muted tones. At Shoreditch House, they come in a cosy, pleasingly neutral herringbone, which you can drape over your coat in a way that looks a bit A/W Loewe. Alas. Your local boozer is unlikely to proffer such toasty or aesthetically pleasing delights. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a thin fleece draped over your chair, covered in crisp crumbs from the previous user.
All of which makes the imperative to dress warmly even more acute. That new plungeneck Ganni midi-dress with the puff sleeves? It can wait. Glamour is on hold until 17 May, for while we may have shed some restrictions, it’s way too premature to shed the layers.