NAVIGATE THE NINE CIRCLES OF STAG AND HEN DO HELL

1 THE ‘WE’RE GOING ABROAD’ EMAIL Say goodbye to at least half of your savings, to be collected by…

2 THE AGGRESSIVE BEST MANOR MAID OF HONOUR ‘Hi London wanker, I know you’re busier than the rest of us being a London wanker, but if you could transfer me the money for the private room in a chain restaurant you ordinarily wouldn’t even throw up in, that’d be great. PS have added you to…’

3 THE Featuring WHATSAPP hilarious GROUP in-jokes, overfamiliar pisstaking, enforced bonhomie and…

4 THE SCHOOL FRIEND NO ONE KNOWS Who — warning — will not be schooled in the Londoner art of drinking at least three nights a week, will therefore probably wee in the middle of a road, and will lobby loudly for…

5 THE CLICHÉS Strip clubs. Handcuffs. Matching T-shirts. The bride/groom in a superhero costume. Those mobile bars where you all have to pedal while drinking. And of course…

6 THE HASHTAG Just don’t. No good whatsoever can come of this, only a lifetime’s supply of emoji-only comments from…

7 THE SOBER BREAKFASTEE You wake up early. You can’t face any more laughter/banter, so you rush to beat the hotel breakfast rush, only to find the dining room bare apart from the sole stag/hen who doesn’t drink, has thus been starved of conversation, and is now eyeing you hopefully. Still, better than being with…

8 THE GOOD DR JEKYLL Who is already visibly terrified about their alter ego from last night’s antics ever being mentioned again. By the time of the big day itself when you next see them, accompanied by a life partner and children, their eyes look like the eyes of a civilian who committed a murder and knows that one offhand remark could raze their perfect, domesticated existence to the ground in an instant. Fortunately for them, you will be steering clear of any…

9 FOLLOW-UP FRIENDSHIPS Which will never, ever, ever happen, for reasons that should be obvious.