LEARNING FROM LOVE ISLAND

They came, they pulled each other for a chat, they said ‘It is what it is’ a lot, they cracked on. And in the process taught Team ES some valuable lessons for life…

Ɔ Mercifully, the era of spray-on white jeans with rips seems to be over. Sadly, misogyny didn’t go with them. No amount of Ofcom complaints, Women’s Aid statements and Refuge notices can have any discernible impact on the men of Love Island. They’re coming for your local Revs/Oceana/Atik/any other carpeted nightclub as soon as they step off that return flight. See also: Adam Collard’s triumphant comeback.

Ɔ Cheating on someone can be easily remedied by writing in lipstick on kitchen roll. The more infantile the handwriting, the better.

Ɔ You can easily hide from both fellow islanders and the hundreds of cameras watching you by simply crawling instead of walking. No one will ever find out.

Ɔ Unless he’s hoping for the lead role in an Alan Partridge reboot, Luca Bish’s metaphors — ‘Tasha ain’t like the M25: she can move!’ — need serious work. Much like the M25.

Ɔ Davide Sanclimenti’s, by contrast, do not. If there aren’t T-shirts in Primark bearing the legend ‘Fake as the Louis Vuitton from China!’, there soon should be.

Ɔ Personality remains — in the Love Island villa at least — a quantifiable metric, ie ‘I’ve got the best personality out of everyone, thus I will win this joust.’

Ɔ The reason one of the only eight films Michael Owen has seen is Seabiscuit — as opposed to the less esoteric likes of Rocky, Heat, Ghost, Jurassic Park, Cool Runnings, The Karate Kid and Forest Gump — is because his daughter is well into horseriding. Seriously, this has been bugging us for years!

Ɔ If you preface any offensive statement with ‘respectfully’ or ‘I’m just being honest’, the target cannot get offended.

Ɔ Love Island is not a prosperous place for posh people from Chelsea. Charlie’s drawl went down with the girls in the villa about as well as the boys’ occupations would in SW3.

Ɔ Outside of Birra Moretti adverts and Jared Leto’s scenes in House of Gucci, some Italians really do talk like that.

Ɔ Commentator Iain Stirling has peaked. Because where, really, is there to go after: ‘Dami is feeling lost. But like a thousand gap year students before him, he’s now hoping to find himself in Indiyah.’

Ɔ Being Ronan Keating’s son is not the guaranteed vote winner it perhaps would have been in 1999.

Ɔ If you’re going to admit to someone you were hitting on their partner, best not to — like Billy — do it while eating a choc ice.

Ɔ If you’re going to admit to someone you were hitting on their partner, best not to — like Billy — do it in a suit that looks like it was stitched out of your dead nan’s tea cosy, by your dead nan.

Ɔ If you’re going to admit to someone — sorry, last one of these — you cheated on them, there are probably more elegant ways to do it than, ‘I licked her tit or whatever’.

Ɔ

Being ‘wifey’ material does not preclude one from shacking up with someone else within 24 hours of you beau’s departure.

Ɔ ‘It is what it is’ really, really needs to be retired, both the phrase and the defeatist sentiment inherent within it. A week or so on from Mandela Day, perhaps next year’s contestants could heed the (okay, paraphrased) words of the great man: ‘It always seems that it is what it is, until it isn’t.’

Ɔ If Ekin-Su and Davide don’t win the £50,000 prize money, then not share it, but then spend it all together anyway, there is no God.