THE SURGICAL SCI-FI FLICK

Okay: I’m tired and my brain isn’t working. What have you got in the feel-good mould? How about David Cronenberg’s dystopian hymn Crimes Of The Future, which — as well as a six minute standing ovation — had people walking out after five minutes at Cannes?

Doesn’t sound promising. Why did they walk out? Well, in the first scene a mum suffocates her son to death with a pillow. Although to be fair to her, he had just eaten a bin.

You mean eaten out of a bin? No, he eats the bin itself.

I don’t want to know. Who’s in it? Viggo Mortensen, Léa Seydoux, Kristen Stewart.

Cool line-up: colour me a little bit more interested. What happens in it? Not loads. It’s more one of those very slow, very serious sci-fi films. Basically it’s set in a future where advances in biotechnology mean pain and diseases don’t really exist any more, ‘surgery is the new sex’ and Viggo’n’Léa are a big-time performance art couple who shit out organs.

But no laser guns or aliens? There are these sort of dentist’s chairs that are a bit like alien beings, but not in the traditional ‘we want to kill all humans’ sense, no.

All sounds quite… David Cronenberg. It is. But don’t worry, Jaws in remastered 3D is just out, too. Maybe let’s just do that instead.