Shoot from the lip: wit is a weapon

IN THE early 90s, Harvey Weinstein optioned one of my novels, “Girls’ Night Out”. When we met, he looked at me with the slow, lizard blink of a top-order predator. He grabbed my hand. It was a wrestler’s handshake. His sycophantic flunkeys were in nervous orbit around him. Producers, directors and assistants all trembled like jellies in an earthquake. Luckily I avoided Weinstein’s gruesome gropes. I was 31 at the time and predators prefer to prey upon the young and inexperienced. Clearly, grope a woman my age and he’d find himself repeatedly hit over the head with copies of “The Female Eunuch” till he lost consciousness, repenting.

The disgraced mogul has now been accused of sexual harassment by over 50 women, including superstars like Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie and Lupita Nyongo. He’s also facing numerous rape allegations. He denies all allegations of “nonconsensual” sex. And even though he has apologised for the “causing pain”, the question remains, how did this fêted film producer hide his cloven hooves in his designer shoes?

It’s not just actresses who need Scotland Yard on speed dial. Inspired by Rose McGowan’s initial accusation, a tsunami of women from all walks of life — politicians, models, gymnasts, bankers — have used social media’s #MeToo campaign to highlight their own horror stories of sexual harassment in the workplace.

It’s clear that men are to blame for this abuse of power and such behaviour must be nuked into oblivion, with research from Girlguiding UK revealing that nearly two-thirds of girls aged over 13 have been sexually harassed, just as I was too, as a schoolgirl. But I also feel an urgent need to equip our daughters with some defensive techniques. But how?

Well, while the male of the species is physically stronger, women do have one lethal weapon — we can shoot from the lip. Females are more verbally nimble.

We use on average 400 more words in our daily vocabulary. Females have what I call the

“black belt in tongue-fu” — we can wound a lecherous male with a lethal one liner, causing painful quip-lash.

And if you can deflate a male’s ego, other parts of his anatomy will follow. Laugh at a bully, and you take away his power.

And so, girls, if you are on the receiving end of an unwanted advance, may I suggest some of the following responses. Simply point out to the loser that he’s clearly only ever had one long-term lover — his right hand. Or reveal that you’d actually like to see him naked — preferably with a tag on his toe. In fact, why not ask the perv to tell you his height, so you can order his body bag?

If the lech makes lewd and crude comments about your anatomy, just reply that you’d like to reciprocate and make conversation about his manhood, only you’re not into “small talk”. Or, after laughing uproariously, simply point to his appendage and ask: “What do you want me to do, floss?”

If the slimeball pressures you to “Come back to my place”, respond, incredulously, “Gee, will two people fit under a rock?” Then explain that if he harasses you again, he’ll find himself singing in the Vienna Boy’s Choir.

Make sure you then tell all the abuser’s colleagues that the only explanation for his pathetic sexist behaviour is just the novelty of being in the vicinity of a female he doesn’t have to inflate.

Insults to a bully’s IQ are also effective. After pointing out that he is not your cup of sick, suggest that he leaves his brain to medical science, as it’s clearly never been used. Or advise him to grow an extra brain cell, as the one he’s got must get so lonely up there. Alternatively, try a sad sigh accompanied with the comment that clearly his mother must have drunk during pregnancy, which explains why his mind is wandering — and it is too small to be allowed out on its own. If the tyrant actually gropes you, point out that the only time he’ll be having sex ever again is on a conjugal visit, because he will shortly be going to prison.

I want to stress that most men are not like Harvey Weinstein. My male friends are compassionate, fair and feminist. But it seems to me that blokes are leaving all the heavy lifting against gender bias to women. In the great civil rights struggles 50 years ago, there were white faces as well as black. But we don’t see enough men at the sexist barricades, fighting our cause.

It’s a no-brainer: we need blokes to help us tackle lad culture, sexist stereotyping and workplace harassment.

It’s the smart thing to do... Otherwise we’ll be forced to take the “men” out of Mensa.

Girls’ Night Out is at Greenwich theatre tonight, the Radlett Centre tomorrow, and Wyllots theatre on November 2 lakinmccarthy.com/artists/kathy-lette