Do keep up...
...of course you can’t — it’s Brexit. From who is actually left in the Cabinet to what Labour even stands for, Nick Curtis puts your deal-or-no-deal knowledge to the test
1. When will Britain leave the European Union?
a) On March 29, 2019, definitely. (If you are the average Londoner, you might want to add ‘…more’s the pity’. Or, if you are a member of the European Research Group, “…hurrah, hurrah, exsultate!”) b) Probably March 29, 2019, though the deadline to leave could be extended if all 28 member nations were to agree. c) Given the reaction to Theresa May’s draft agreement with the EU from Jacob Rees-Mogg and others, it seems likely the UK will be stuck in an endless purgatory of negotiations and bitter party infighting until the end of time, or until Theresa May stands down (whichever is the sooner).
2. How will the Irish Border question be solved?
a) Oh, it will work itself out. The people of Northern Ireland and the Republic are reasonable folk. The problem has been overstated, frankly. b) It’s still to be determined, and depends on a future trade deal with the EU: the UK wants a “common rulebook” for food and goods passing between the EU and the UK across the land border between northern and southern Ireland. Which is different to the “common regulatory area” proposed by the EU, which would involve a border in the Irish Sea. If no trade deal is reached, a “backstop” will come, which will keep the UK and EU in a “single Customs Territory” but leave Northern Ireland tied more closely to EU regulations than the rest of the UK. It will be legally harder for the UK to exit the backstop than to leave the EU. Got it? c) By patrols of unicorns.
3. What exactly is the “transition period”?
a) Aren’t we in the transition period? And to paraphrase Yvette Cooper, haven’t we “ONLY GOT FIVE MONTHS!” b) Assuming the withdrawal agreement goes through, it’s a period running until December 2020 to allow further details to be hammered out; free movement of people into the UK will continue,e, but we will be able to negotiate external nal trade deals. c) The time it takes to sign up to an Irish passport, if you can. Or if you are Nigel Farage, to get German ones for r your kids.
4. What is yourr view on a second referendum?
a) That it is impossible/ that it is inevitable. b) That it is undesirable, given what happened last time. c) *Impersonates ‘Brenda from Bristol’ on BBC news when told of the 2017 snap election*: “You’re joking! Not another one! Oh no!”
5. What is the main impact of Brexit?
a) It enables us to be a sovereign nation again and to take back control of our borders/it is an act of national self-harm equivalent to a man hanging heavy weights off three limbs while repeatedly stabbing himself in the face with the fourth. b) There is no “main” impact: it will affect trade, borders, immigration, the movement of peoples, satellites, research, pet passports, everything. c) It affects the brains of certain senior ministers who had direct responsibility responsibil for delivering Brexit for two years, then resigned and sstarted criticising the GovernmentGov they were a ppart of for not delivering it. it
6. OK, but what issues are you most concerned about after Britainrita B leaves the EU?
a) TThe colour of my ppasspassport/the sexy thrill of describing myself as “EEuropean”. bb) The availability of medication and food; reduced collaboration with former EU papartners in areas such as sscience, security and the ararts; reduced opportunityopportun for the young and a drop in the standard of living; and, to be honest, how much more time we’re all going to spend in airport security when flying to Greece. c) Chlorine-washed chicken.
7. What is Labour’s position on Brexit?
a) They were mostly against it, now they are mostly for it. b) They are hopelessly stuck between a majority of MPs who voted against it and a large number of members and traditional supporters who voted for it, with a pro-EU grassroots movement — Momentum — supporting a furiously anti-EU leader. So they are prevaricating and hedging, trying to capitalise on the Government’s disarray and angling for power, while trying not to get the blame if left holding the bad Brexit baby. c) They believe in a Schrodinger’s Brexit, which simultaneously can and cannot be stopped.
8. Where are we with regard to resignations from Theresa May’s government?
a) In addition to the past resignations of Boris Johnson, David Davis and Jo Johnson, four people resigned before 10.30am this morning: Dominic Raab, thingy McVey and two others no one had ever heard of. b) That’s Esther McVey, Shailesh Vara, and Suella Braverman. And you forgot the earlier resignations of Guto Bebb, Steve Baker, Ben Bradley and Maria Caulfield. More resignations were expected this lunchtime. c) The entire Cabinet will probably resign by Monday. Apart from
Theresa May, of course
9. How important is fishing to the post-Brexit world?
a) Very important… maritime nation… cod war… trawlermen braving the high seas… b) Very important if you are one of the 13 Scottish Tory MPs who have refused to sign the draft deal unless it promises more support for the industry. Not so important in economic terms: fishing is worth about £1.4 billion to the economy compared to the £30 billion the fashion industry contributes, for instance. c) Important enough for Nigel Farage to dump rotten haddock in the