Help! I’m a food critic but now I have to cook for chefs

DECISIONS; I’m no good at them. I should never have agreed to run the marathon one year, for instance, just because I’d had a particularly refreshing lunch. There’s never been a sane reason to head to a karaoke bar, let alone rap at one — but, well, there are videos that I can never unwatch.

And when the food writer Bill Knott sidled up to me at a party and said: “I wonder if you’ll do me a favour?”, I can’t fathom why I didn’t skip a beat before replying it would be my pleasure, and what did he need?

Here’s the fix I’ve got myself into. For two decades, Knott has chivvied his fellow food sorts into putting down their pens and picking up a spatula for a night called Too Many Critics. The premise is origami neat: upending the natural (and frankly correct) order of things, Knott’s band of critics head into the kitchen to cook a four-course meal for a room full of chefs (and, perhaps, you).

Critic plays chef, chefs play critic. This year, it’s being held at Vivek Singh’s Cinnamon Club on Sunday June 4, with Nieves Barragán of Michelin-starred Sabor and Great British Menu winner Pip Lacey of Hicce among the judges. The whole shebang is raising money for Action Against Hunger’s work feeding malnourished children around the world. £100,000 is the aim.

I urge you to buy tickets. You will be doing an extremely generous thing, an act that literally helps save lives — and besides, the ticket includes plenty of wine, there’s a cracking auction, and the wonderful Ravneet Gill is hosting.

You might even have a laugh watching me panic. But the rub is two-fold: first, beyond vague discussions of a naan bread or two, I don’t know what I’m cooking, so I can’t practice.

And two, Knott — who used to be a chef himself, cheeky sod — has put me on kitchen duty alongside Giles Coren, Tom Parker Bowles, Grace Dent, Rose Prince and Adam Hyman. Which means not only am I likely to embarrass myself in front of some of the chefs that I like best, but some of the writers that I admire the most, too.

That’s the career over, then. It’s an honour to be asked, though not such a smart move to accept. Decisions; I’m no good at them.

• Tickets for Too Many Critics can be bought via actionagainsthunger.org.uk