HANNAH’S NEW RULES FOR WHAT TO DRINK WHEN

You’ve just had sex Chablis

Drinks after sex are something to be savoured, something that’s chilling on ice as you bring up the average temperature of the room, like a big sexy iguana tank. Refreshing, lean and bone-dry, Chablis is my pick for some post-coital libation. Chablis is a region sandwiched between Champagne to the north and the southerly rest of Burgundy. There’s generally less oak use, which makes the mineral, chalky quality of the wine shine. I figured you’d also need something, ahem, palatecleansing, and Chablis’ natural high acidity is fabulous for that. Here’s to you both.

You’ve just had a baby Off-dry riesling

Giving birth seems a lot like when I used to go out raving. Ten to 20 hours of restless movement, then back to yours with achy joints and a person in tow you’ve never met. Understandably, you don’t feel a lot like drinking. But you’ve been through such a dry patch to get here, you feel as though you should. Each of your life’s achievements has been punctuated with a glass of something, if not a full-blown night out. It needs to be a still wine so that it keeps well in the fridge and you’re able to enjoy a single glass each day over a longer period of time. Try an off-dry riesling. It’s often low in alcohol (a personal supermarket favourite is only 8 per cent), and is delightfully sweet, with notes of lemon, peach and honey from the late-harvest grapes. Look for wines labelled spätlese and auslese.

Someone else is paying Brunello di Montalcino

I often say something pretentious and saccharine about language being the biggest barrier facing people who want to get into wine. That’s just faux intellectualism. In this life, there is no bigger barrier than money. So, what do you buy when it’s no object? Milk the opportunity. I personally would opt for a Brunello di Montalcino. This is a wine from Tuscany, made from sangiovese, which is also the main component for chianti and many Super Tuscan blends. This is an incredibly lavish wine that must undergo five years’ ageing before it’s legally allowed to be released. The result: rich, indulgent notes of espresso, dried berries and liquorice. It’s pretty tannic though, so best to order this one with some food.

You’re at the pub Merlot or white Rioja

What puts me off the most in cheap pub wine is the sugar content.

Red comes in at around 0.9g of sugar per serving, whereas white wine can be around

1.4g. So, for my pub order indoors, I often go for a red. And merlot was by far the most popular red I found in the places I visited. Plummy, ripe merlot, from the old and new worlds. The beer garden is an altogether different beast. It’s more sociable, busier, and scientifically 10 times more likely to result in a Deliveroo McDonald’s at 11am the next day.

There’s still a way to dodge overly sugary wines here — you just need a wine with a bracing acidity to cut through the noise. Each time I’ve had a white Rioja at a chain pub, it’s been pretty good. Lemon, herbs and round melon are balanced by a delicate minerality.

Meeting the parents Cabernet sauvignon

From the perspective of a parent, a bottle of wine tells you all you need to know about a potential person-in-law. Looks expensive? Good career prospects. From an unfamiliar region? Knows their shit. Obviously bought last-minute at a petrol station? At least they can drive. It seems, in my own personal experience, that red wines are the safest option. They’re more readily shared over an evening meal and look more costly. Try a cabernet sauvignon. The older generation is going to be already familiar with it, it feels a bit fancy and can be found in pretty much any bottle shop or supermarket. It’s a bold, tannic variety that has a palate and a flavour profile that they probably already enjoy. So delicious, you’ll forget all about your unpaid dentist bill and the 10 points on your licence. Charming the in-laws has never been so effortless.