Adventures in Love

Misleading or just plain bad relationship advice abounds. Couple’s therapist Lilliana Gibbs busts 7 common myths.

Married At First Sight, Naked Attraction, Love Island, Take Me Out, The Bachelor, Are You The One?

Dating shows have massive worldwide audiences espousing the pervasive love ideal; ‘find the one and be happy’. Everyone is looking for someone.

The first challenge is to find someone, the second is to keep them. There is a lot poor dating advice, but I’m looking at relationship wisdoms; those familiar and oft repeated missives designed to guide couples.

Here I delight in setting the record straight and busting some misleading and just poor relationship advice.

‘Marriage is 50/50’

What does this really mean? that both partners contribute equally financially? Does it mean sharing or dividing domestic tasks? Is their time valued the same? Are both partners doing the emotional heavy lifting?

Trying to ensure equality and balance can lead to comparing, competition, and point scoring, which doesn’t support love connection.

Australian cartoonist Michael Leunig did a lovely drawing called ‘The 100% sane family’, mum managed 40%, dad 35%, and the dog contributed 25%. Sanity varies and can be shared around!

Sharing a life makes big demands of us, and as marriage is about sharing, commitment, and trust, a good marriage is where both show up 100%.

These contributions also need to allow for fluctuating capacities and the needs of both. Work, travel, illness, preparing for sporting events, taking exams, caring for others… all to be accommodated, so at times, one leans in for support but later has the capacity to shoulder more of the load. It’s a moving see-saw that aims for balance.

Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s divorce, that is.

‘Never go to bed angry’

Whatever wasn’t settled before bedtime isn’t going to get resolved at stupid o’clock, so get some sleep! When arguing carries on late, folk are tired, angry, and upset and possibly have a bit to drink. This is the worst time to attempt to repair anything.

Sleeping apart is a good option; create some space and don’t see it as a rebuff but rather as a helpful gesture to allow each to regain their balance. It helps to agree this tactic when calm and rational, so the risk of one feeling abandoned in the moment is avoided.

If you’re so wired you can’t sleep, try breathing to calm down (inhale for a count of 6, exhale slowly for 10, do it several times), or distract yourself with TV or audio. In calming down, we hope to process our hurt/anger/withdrawal and hopefully see our own behaviour more accurately in the light of day. When both of you have settled down, it’s time to return to troubling issues calmly.

This practice of managing ourselves when triggered, self-care, and talking calmly later develops strong relationships.

It’s how we cope with disharmony that’s key. Good self-awareness and emotional self-control support couples to navigate the sticky bits. Agree to talk about everything. When no topics are off limits, grumbles and unmet needs can be addressed - not left to fester till late one evening when it all spills out.

‘You’ll have to Compromise’

This missive promises that, unlike now, when married, you won’t often get your needs satisfied. How depressing!

We need to be reasonable adults with our spouse – able to negotiate, be generous, stand up for ourselves, and sometimes be able to hold thoughts or impulses. And one part of the relational toolkit is compromise.

Compromise is useful when one wants to leave the party after an hour the other wants to stay late. But many things cannot be compromised: buying a house, having a baby, moving countries, living with in-laws… And some things should never be compromised; sex comes to mind.

Compromise can be used as a shortcut in a way that doesn’t serve the couple. Instead of working through to a decision, an arguing couple may find disharmony so uncomfortable they grudgingly compromise. This risks diminishing opportunity rather than expanding it. Remember, compromise isn’t anyone’s choice.

Being a couple in an interdependent relationship involves hundreds of choices and decisions. So, get skilled at working through differences and satisfying disparate needs creatively. It begins with holding your partner’s needs and desires as equal to your own.

'I shouldn't have to say; they should just know.'

Mind reading is not part of our partner's remit; you have language for that.

Don't be disappointed if you don't express your needs and wants clearly.

Communicating what you desire doesn't mean you will always get it, but there is a better chance that you will.

When you can both clearly express what you want, it's much easier to be creative about satisfying needs, even when they differ.

Good sex requires communication, and we want our sensual efforts to be well received, and most of us welcome clues about how to do that well. Unless you talk about how and where you enjoy being touched, that you want to slow it right down, or that you like the idea of sex in the kitchen… unless you share your fears and your resistance ¬– you're not going to be better lovers. Like all things worth having, it takes practice.

Sex is communication, and communication is guiding your lover and expressing yourself openly. It means taking risks.