The Daily Telegraph - Features
The nine things I learnt when I decided to pose naked at 49
Feeling invisible, Becky Dickinson took up life modelling. The results surprised her
As someone who hasn’t worn a bikini in 16 years (thanks, kids) I could never have imagined baring more than a “culturally acceptable” amount of flesh in public, let alone stripping off in a room full of strangers. Until last week, when I spent the evening as a life model, naked.
Like most women I know, I’ve always seen the (socially perceived) flaws in my own body. Living in a society that objectifies women and girls from a young age, it’s almost impossible not to grow up seeing yourself as you feel seen by others ie: men. So when you reach a certain age, and society finally looks the other way, it should feel like a relief – except you just become invisible and instead of feeling the pressure to look “acceptable” (read: desirable) we are simply exhorted to look younger.
But now, approaching 50, I realise there are two options: cosmetic surgery (not really an option in a cost of living crisis) or acceptance.
So, when I saw an advert for life models, it felt like a chance to have a go at acceptance. Either that, or abject humiliation.
What did I learn when I posed naked in front of 12 complete strangers?
1. It can be easier to wear nothing than to wear a bikini
The idea that there is such a thing as a “bikini body”, and that only those in possession of one may wear such teeny-tiny swimwear, has hopefully expired with Benny Hill. But that doesn’t mean you will actually wear one. Wearing what is essentially underwear on the beach still feels like a statement – even if it’s a statement of body positivity. Easier, then, to go without.
2. You can still push boundaries in midlife
One thing that secretly terrifies me about getting older is an absence of the kind of comfort zonedefying fear that makes you feel alive – solo travelling, jumping off boulders into the sea – the stuff that doesn’t really present itself once you’ve got mortgage payments to worry about. But there’s a part of my brain that still craves new experiences and heightened sensations. Posing in the buff, while not exactly a high-octane activity, ticked those boxes.
3. Being naked is surprisingly liberating
Stepping out of my robe was probably the most vulnerable and exposed I have ever felt. But possibly, also the most authentic – although not quite authentic enough to want to expose myself to anyone I might see again (I made sure the studio was at least half an hour from my house). Yet without the back-up of clothing, underwire and elastic, I could be nothing but my true physical self – and do nothing but own it.
4. Choosing to be seen is empowering
Like a multitude of women, I have compared myself with images in the media and frequently found I don’t measure up. A feeling that has been reinforced by a few delightful individuals throughout my life. In my 20s, one sort-ofboyfriend once told me: “You have to be tall to be beautiful.” I’m 5ft 3.5in. But still, revealing the parts of myself I usually feel compelled to keep covered up felt hugely empowering.
5. I didn’t feel objectified
Not having modelled before, one of my main concerns (other than recognising someone in the class) was that I wouldn’t be up to the job, and would just freeze on the spot. Fortunately, it was only my feet that froze. But although I was subject to intense scrutiny, I didn’t feel objectified or sexualised. I was simply being sketched by a group of people who liked to draw. I could just as easily have been a pineapple.
6. It was like an out-of-body experience
At the start of the evening, I felt ridiculously awkward. A bit like one of those anxiety dreams where you’re in a meeting, then realise you’ve forgotten to put your clothes on. Except this wasn’t a dream. But since running away would have been even more embarrassing than pretending I was cool with it, I stayed, while studiously avoiding eye contact. Slowly though, the weirdness was replaced by an almost surreal sense of calm. It was as if in placing my body on display for others, I was able to step away from it, and all my feelings surrounding it.
7. Every body is a work of art Afterwards, when I looked at the artwork, I didn’t see the midlife, past-its-prime body I usually see. I saw the simple beauty of the human form; kindly drawn shadows and curves; a body I have never seen when looking in the mirror. And I liked it.
8. My body is changing, but that’s OK
Mum-boobs, stretch marks, saggy stomach; the collateral damage of pregnancy, child-rearing, and, well, midlife. Seeing it on paper was a reminder that I can’t prevent these changes, but I can embrace them and be grateful for a functioning body.
9. My kids will always think I’m weird
Somewhat predictably, the reactions of my three children (aged 10, 13 and 16) ranged from: “Are you going to wax?” to “What if my friends find out?” Pushing my kids’ boundaries can only be a good thing. And it makes a change from telling my daughter to pull her school skirt down so it actually covers her buttocks. Oh, and nudity pays. It’s not quite on the same scale as OnlyFans, but I earnt £40, and would definitely do it again.
Stepping out of my robe was probably the most vulnerable and exposed I have ever felt