The Guyliner
The big must in any new relationship is honesty, right? Hell no. Well, kind of. The unspoken rule is that when you’re first starting out honesty just won’t cut it. It’s kinder, or at least more convenient, to lie. 01. “He was nowhere near as good as you.” Even if your last boyfriend was Zachary Quinto, when your current squeeze asks what it was like going out with them, you have to paint the moist miserable, wretched picture you can. You longed for freedom, waiting for your knight in shining armour. He was cruel, and bad in bed, and – horror – he left wet towels in the sink every morning. Don’t tell him the truth; he can’t handle it.
02. “I’ve deleted all the apps.” *sound of Grindr ‘brrrruummmp’ rings out from bathroom* “Errr, nothing. Won’t be a second.”
03. “I’ve only slept with, like, Ľ# yh#shrsoh1Ĥ#L# don’t believe in slut-shaming but I do believe in never pouring petrol on a naked ľ# dph1#Ljqruh# the fact he’s lying to you too, if it helps.
04. “I’ve always played safe.” I have a theory we all lie about this at some point. Perhaps we’re worried we’ll be shamed, or judged. If you are going to tell this lie, at least do the right thing and get tested to make sure you’re all clear. If someone spins you this line, suggest you both get tested, just in case. Hey, it’s romantic. If you’re not going to tell the truth, dw#ohdvw#Ľ# qg#rxw# what the truth is.
05. “I’ll be home by midnight.” Midnight in these terms is actually 2am – everybody knows this. If he forgets momentarily, more fool him.
06. “No, really, lwġv#Ľ# qh1Ĥ#Gr#|rx# want to argue for days, possibly weeks, or do you want life to go on relatively normally, with the added frisson of tension as you quietly simmer about your disagreement and plot your revenge? “No, uhdoo|/#lwġv#Ľ# qhĤ# is the stopper on the bottle you need when trying to defuse a situation. Don’t worry, you can always take it out again when you’re in a better position to win the argument.
07. “You look great.” Even if they look like they fell forward into a clown’s wardrobe covered in superglue, we tell them they look OK. Because we know, one day, as we squeeze into those jeans from two summers ago, we will need to hear it back.
08. “I’m not the jealous type.” We say this because we think it’s what they want to hear. And also because we don’t want them to work out we’ve actually been through their phone and Googled every single person in their contacts list, and made a spreadsheet assessing which of them are a threat. And then killing the ones who are. And the ones who aren’t, just in case.
09. “I only had two drinks.” Why is it important to conceal anything other than a light interest in alcohol until you’re a few months down the line? Are we forgetting how trashed you both jrw#rq#wkh#Ľ# uvw# date?!
10. “I don’t look at other guys.” Unless you’re visually impaired or have agreed to wear blinkers at all times, this is not true. You look, you just don’t look quite as lasciviously when you’re with them. And that’s as good as they can hope for.
11. “It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s you. NEXT.