The Guyliner

01. Doesn’t like your look. Anyone who criticises your personal style, or doesn’t understand exactly why you HAVE to wear a navy fascinator to complete your look, isn’t worth the bother. No point in being around someone who doesn’t think you look amazing at all times. Truthbombs about your bad outfits should come from best friends and bitchy shop assistants, not lovers.

02. Doesn’t get jealous. “I don’t do jealousy.” Really? Why the hell not? What if I kissed that guy over there, right now? Or told you I’ve slept with everyone in this restaurant? Not even a tinge? Bollocks. The real red flag here is this guy is lying through his teeth. Oh, he does jealousy all right. He does it hard.

03. Only likes blondes. Or any other granular category of man. Filters don’t work in real life. Think outside the box. Anyone fetishising you because of your hair colour, heritage or dong size is a waste of time. Buh-bye!

04. Leaves voicemails. “Hey, yeah, it’s me. Just calling to say hi…”

Then text it. Two letters. A full stop. A kiss if we’re fucking. Job done. No need to call.

05. Vague about what they want. The thing about “just a bit of fun” is that the period where both of you are having fun is usually pretty short. After that, one of you… isn’t. Even if you’re loving it, the one not having fun will wear you down eventually. Best be upfront from the off or, y’know, not bother at all.

06. Leaves you on “read”. Anyone not fly enough to turn off read receipts isn’t worth your trouble. He wants you to see.

07. Really boring in bed. Honey. No.

08. Endless texting. Rather than making your thumbs ache, he could be over making your back break – know what I mean? If he “just wants to talk”, fine – can’t he do it in person next time you see each other? Phone call, maybe, so you can get on with other stuff? Never underestimate the sweet release of hanging up. Your time deserves it.

09. Drops out at the last minute. People who screw with your plans constantly deserve only two chances. People you can’t rely on – unless they have an amazing excuse – have no place in your storyline. Axe them.

10. Is always late. “Oh, sorry I’m late. You know what I’m like.” Oh baby, yes.

Yes I do. You are, like, someone who doesn’t care that you’re literally robbing my day from me by having me wait for you while you come up with some lame excuse that you’re “ditsy” or lost track of time. MY time. Cancel these drongoes. So should you.

11. Tries too hard to be cool. Life’s too short to give more than the politest of fucks whether someone thinks you’re a tastemaker or an influencer or whatever. Anyone chasing cool might as well try to grill an ice cube. Never gonna happen.

12. Won’t give you a weekend. A guy who deprives you of dates on Friday and Saturday is probably sharing that precious time with some other mug. Or he’s at work – check first before sending any hysterical texts or destroying his gear.

Anyone who ever fired up a dating app will be well versed in timewasters, but they’re everywhere in real life too. Don’t

get trapped by these time thieves…

13. Never stays over. Married.