21st century boys:

Champaigner

Errr, spellcheck! Nope, this is all good. If there’s a campaign, and champagne – and a photographer – our Champaigner is there.

Like a freeloader? Freeloaders just turn up to anything and are perfectly honest about why they’re there – the Champaigner pretends his motivation is much more worthy. He’s all about the issues. Which issues does he support?

Doesn’t matter. Whichever bandwagon’s passing him by the slowest, enabling him to drag his privileged behind onto it. For him, wokeness is his brand, it’s a way of life, until you actually ask him to put his money, and his mind, where his mouth is.

Where will I find him? Posing for photographs with people he’s googled and knows to be important; at charity dinners hoovering up the canapés and getting comfy at his free seat at the table; and in shirtless or naked calendars, with all “profits” – usually the price of an Uber back from the event – donated to his “foundation”.

He has a foundation? Must be important.

In his case it’s just another name for a Swiss bank account and something to write on his expense forms.

Who are his friends? Accountants. Champagne pourers. Donors. Anyone who’ll do anything for nothing.

Who are his enemies?

People who ask questions. Rival Champaigners with better PR representatives.

Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.

Most likely to say: “I’m not here to get political; I want to raise awareness.” “It’ll be brilliant exposure.” “I’m not doing it if SHE’S doing it.” “I’m only wearing a ribbon if it matches my belt.” Least likely to say: “No thanks” to a glass of fizz. “Please do delve into my accounts.” “I hate attention.”

Would he make a good boyfriend?

If you like attending a different dinner every night and try not to think too hard about where the money comes from. Unless he’s straight, of course – they tend to be.