THAT TRANS GUY.
We aren’t our bodies; we inhabit them.
Anyone who’s used Grindr has most likely stumbled upon the profile description: “No asians, no fats, no blacks, no femmes”. While many would claim it’s ‘simply a preference’, it is naive to deny that this is blatant racism and femmephobia. Just like in general society, the queer community is conditioned to celebrate certain types of bodies that are elevated through the media and culture.
While we certainly do have preferences, we have to be aware that our preferences can also be rooted in prejudice and socialisation. How is it honestly logical to make such a sweeping generalisation and say you would never want to have sex with someone purely because of the colour of their skin or the fact they might be more feminine?
While dating is already hard enough, it’s even harder when you’re constantly compared to unrealistic standards of beauty in a culture that glorifies certain body types and expression. It becomes even harder when you’re not a white, fit, able bodied person that could never fulfill that stereotype. Add that on top of being a part of a smaller queer community where the dating pool available to you becomes substantially smaller.
Dating as a trans person within the queer community brings a whole new element into the picture. Almost every trans person has probably been told by strangers that they ‘could never date a trans person’. To be quite frank, you’d be lucky if a trans person wants to date you anyway. They certainly wouldn’t want to if they hear you say shit like that.
What these views suest is that trans people are less desirable, less worthy of love and something to be disgusted by. In the queer community we are already shamed enough by society into thinking our bodies and the way we have sex is wrong – feeling this from within your community therefore makes it a whole lot harder to cope.
Trans people often challenge the notion of what bodies should look like and therefore inevitably shake up our ideas about sexual orientation, preferences and attraction. We are socialised to believe that bodies should be a certain way, and when a trans person comes along people immediately think about what makes them different. And this difference isn’t always seen as positive, but quite the opposite.
Popular films such as Ace Ventura and the Hangover make it out to be that being with a trans person is absolutely repulsive or a butt of a joke. Trans representation in popular media is usually a tragic story filled with hardship, genital obsession and trans people being used as objects of fright and disgust. This of course causes trans people to internalise shame for their bodies and very being, and inevitably it affects the way people view trans people in terms of dating.
So it is no wonder that even within the queer community there are still people saying they’d never want to date a trans person. If anything, it says a lot more about the person involved than trans people. It shows that they obviously are quite ignorant about the trans community and have preconceived ideas about what trans people look like and about their bodies. If you’re an active part of the queer community, chances are that you meet trans people every single day without even knowing it. You might’ve even fancied a few without even knowing it. Saying you’d never possibly fancy a trans person just means you have a preconceived idea of what trans people look like and you probably think you can ‘always tell’. And if you fancy someone and find out they are trans and are immediately put off by it without any interest in exploring or getting to know them further, you might quite frankly be quite superficial and prejudiced.
Others claim that it’s because of trans people’s genitals, and it just puts them off because they just really want ‘the dick’, or really don’t. The problem isn’t really that people claim they only prefer certain types of genitals, because no one is forcing you to have sex with trans people or like their genitals or every single trans person out there. The problem lies with making generalisations based on preconceived ideas about trans people and their bodies. Many trans people have had genital surgeries, and even if they haven’t there are so many different ways of having sex and getting creative. Trans people’s bodies aren’t any less because they haven’t had surgery, and not everyone even wants surgery.
The problem isn’t really that certain people don’t want to have sex with trans people, it’s that people claim trans men are less men and trans women are less women because of their genitals. The problem is when people blatantly claim they don’t really ‘date women’ when referring to trans men or that they don’t want ‘male bodies’ when referring to trans women. It’s when they claim that gay men couldn’t possibly ever like trans men and that lesbians couldn’t possibly ever like trans women. What this suests is that trans people really aren’t the gender that they are and it isn’t said as a matter of preference, but it’s said in order to exclude and belittle trans people because of their bodies.
In the end, it isn’t trans people that lose by this – it’s the people with the prejudice towards them. Trans people are an amazing group of people with beautiful and diverse bodies. If you want to bind yourself to normative standards of what it is to be beautiful, whether that is with cis or trans people, you’re missing out. Having sex and being with a trans person doesn’t impact your sexual orientation and there are so many gay men and lesbians that date trans people, regardless of their genitals. It doesn’t make them any less gay.
We’re not forcing you to be attracted to trans people and we’re not saying it’s transphobic if you’re not automatically attracted to trans people. We’re saying that if the sole reason you’re not into someone is because they’re trans, you might want to re-think your values and realise what lies behind that. Because trans people are a bunch of amazing, attractive and wonderful people that you’d be lucky to have sex with. They come in all shapes and forms, have all sorts of genitals and you could even have some of the best experiences of your life if you just realise and accept that it’s more about the person themselves than it is ever about genitals. We aren’t our bodies; we inhabit them.
Trans people are just as attractive, sexy, desirable and fuckable as anyone else. So before you immediately write someone off that you fancied just because they’re trans, you should maybe make an effort to get to know them. You might just be meeting someone that you’ll really end up liking a lot for who they are and you might have the most mind blowing sex you’ve ever had with them.