Why do I scare men away when I mention marriage?
Got a question for our agony aunt? Email askjanice@glasgowtimes.co.uk
Dear Janice, my husband of 20 years and I have a great relationship and a healthy sex life, but there is a side to him that’s upsetting me. Recently, he finds excuses to pack me off to bed early and watches porn movies.
We are in our 50s and I am still attractive and slim and don’t understand why he needs to watch these, but it’s happening more frequently.
I’m anything but a prude, but I don’t even know how to start a conversation with him about it. Where do I begin? Lorraine.
Dear Lorraine, I promise you, you could look like Beyonce and it wouldn’t make the slightest difference. His night-time fantasies have nothing to do with the way you look or if he still fancies you.
Gone are the days when a guy would skulk around incognito nervously attempting to buy a porn video, all he has to do now is turn on his telly or mobile and it’s readily available.
The majority who do use pornography are male, and are normal and in good relationships, so it’s not necessarily about your relationship.
That said, the frequency of this would be my worry. The fact that he is “sending” you to bed on a regular basis to indulge in his habit is a concern.
Excuse the pun, but the time has come to “raise” the subject.
Part of his addiction is because it is a secret fantasy, and he may well be mortified, but you’ve been married long enough to discuss his naughty nocturnal desires.
The important thing is that you don’t judge him for this discovery.
You say you’re not a prude, so perhaps you could agree to watch porn together. This might even improve your marriage!
Dear Janice, I long for a baby but my partner of five years won’t commit to a holiday never mind a child.
He has two children from a previous relationship and is forever reminding me that they are enough of a burden.
When they stay over with us, I am the one making all the effort with them whilst he catches up with his mates online.
I am 42 and my biological clock is ticking, so I do raise the subject now and then, but he just closes it down. He says he needs his own space, so I can understand that a baby would upset his lifestyle, but it’s now or never for me.
He says he doesn’t want to lose me and is sorry for making me unhappy but that’s just the way it is.
He won’t agree to counselling, so how can I get him to see my point of view? Kathy.
Kathy, you’re a keeper. It’s no wonder he doesn’t want to lose you. Surrogate mother, housekeeper, sexual partner and a non-vocal one at that!
If he has mental health issues then this is something you both need to address. If not, then he closes down the chat because he is either emotionally immature, or cleverly manipulating you into avoiding the subject.
Kathy, you’ve more chance of winning the lottery than him going to counselling, because he knows this would expose him for the self-centred human being he is.
Will he change? You look after HIS kids when they stay over, you tip-toe around his blase, selfcentred disposition, and you bury your feelings and needs for fear of upsetting him, so why would he?
For some reason you have stuck yourself like glue to a man who gives nothing in return, and I see little evidence of him showing any love towards you, and for that reason alone, raising a child with this man would be a massive mistake.
He needs his space, so give it to him ... permanently.
It may be too late to have a child of your own, but life has got to be better than settling for the scraps of the relationship you have now.
Remember, you are responsible for the way you feel. So do something about it. Now.
Dear Janice, I’m 54 and don’t think I will ever marry as no-one seems to want me.
I am on a dating site, but the people who are interested in me are not who I would consider being friends with, never mind marry. My friends say I have an unrealistic checklist of qualities, but I am not lowering my standards for anyone.
I was upfront with my last date and said I wanted marriage and a family, and he couldn’t get away quick enough. How do I attract the right person?
Cheryl.
Dear Cheryl, marriage can be a massive commitment to make even if you have been in a longterm relationship, but to throw that at someone on a first date is a definite red flag.
Men can whiff the aroma of desperation a mile off, and it’s not an attractive quality. Yes, it’s important to have standards and values, but if your friends have noticed they are impractical then perhaps you should take note. Remember that an online dating profile is a very brief synopsis of a person, so don’t be too quick to judge the book before you’ve even opened it. Take a step back and evaluate yourself, don’t mention the “M” word unless you are asked, treat a date as a date and not a commitment, and you might just find Mr Right.
Got a question for our agony aunt? Email ask janice@glasgowtimes. co.uk