Shame happens when we are facing rejection
SHAME can be a particularly unpleasant emotion. From mild embarrassment to wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole, shame is the feeling that shows up when there is a risk that we will be rejected by others.
There are lots of situations that can trigger shame. For example, thinking that you are a failure, doing something that other people disapprove of and being criticised or laughed at. We often experience shame as a sense of embarrassment or dread that makes us want to hide away from the rest of the world.
In his forthcoming book Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build
True Self-esteem, psychotherapist Joseph Burgo explores four different types of shame:
UNWANTED EXPOSURE:
PERHAPS the most common situation people associate with feeling shame: the experience of being humiliated when some part of you that you would rather keep hidden is publicly exposed.
This could be somebody pointing out a mistake, walking in on you naked, or doing something that is deemed socially inappropriate such as accidentally breaking wind.
UNREQUITED LOVE:
THIS relates to the feelings we experience when our love for someone isn’t reciprocated by the other person or our love is rejected in some way.
Anyone who has experienced rejection in a romantic relationship will likely know how painful and humiliating that can be, but it can apply to other relationships too.
For example, a parent who fails to empathise with their child’s feelings can trigger this type of shame.
DISAPPOINTED EXPECTATION:
THIS type of shame stems from failing to achieve what you set out to do. For example, not getting a job you want, a relationship break-up or a new business venture failing.
EXCLUSION:
THIS can be a particularly painful type of shame. People are generally social creatures and thrive when they belong to a larger group or community. When we are rejected by or left out of a group, that sense of belonging is taken away and can leave us feeling like we don’t fit in because there is something wrong with us.
Shame is a natural emotion but it can get in the way of living the lives we want.
■ Next week: Ways to manage shame when it becomes problematic.