I can get anxious... but never about work
Ben Miller talks to HANNAH STEPHENSON about his experience of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and what has helped him
ACTOR, writer and comedian Ben Miller, who lives near Cirencester, recalls a time when he would touch things repeatedly, obsessively and endlessly counting the number of times he tapped the table, the sideboard or a chair.
This was because of the mental health condition obsessive compulsive disorder – known as OCD – and today, the father of three realises how debilitating it was and has undergone a number of treatments to keep it in check.
“My OCD took the form of counting things, touching objects a certain number of times. I was never a person who thought, ‘I’ve left the gas on, I’d better go and check’.
“I have quite a mathematical mind, and it would be constantly about manipulating geometric shapes,” explains Ben, who rose to fame as one half of the comedy duo Armstrong and Miller, with Alexander Armstrong, back in the Nineties, later landing roles in films like Johnny English Strikes Again and Paddington 2, as well as TV series including Death In Paradise and Bridgerton.
It was in his younger years when the condition most affected him. Ben, who is married to film producer Jessica Parker, says during his early 30s “when it was at its worst, I couldn’t hide it any more”.
Before that, “I hid it pretty well – I could disguise it,” he adds. “It was a great comfort to me. It’s one of the things people often use to deal with anxiety.
“I would have to touch objects on the table multiple times and once you’re [doing that], it is obviously something of a ritual and you can’t leave the room or do the next task until you’ve done it, and then people start to notice. Then I was cripplingly embarrassed about it.”
The actor – who recently penned his sixth children’s book, The Night We Got Stuck In A Story – says his OCD isn’t like the type experienced by his sleuthing scientist Professor T on ITV, however. “Professor T is germophobic and places things in order. Mine was about numbers, about touching objects or walking in and out of a room a certain number of times.”
Here, Ben tells us more about his experiences with OCD and the things that helped…
WHAT TRIGGERED YOUR OCD?
“My understanding is that it’s a way of coping with anxiety, so in a way, the OCD is a solution to the problem for a while until, in my case, it stopped working.”
DID IT AFFECT YOUR WORK?
“Yes. It was when it started to affect my work that I went to get help for it.”
WHAT THINGS HELPED?
“I had CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy], which really helped. I’ve had just about everything at some point. I’ve had reflexology, I’m keen to try acupuncture, as I’ve a dodgy shoulder and I also get migraines and I’ve heard it’s good for that. I’m taking ashwagandha [a medicinal herb] at the moment because somebody said it was good. I’ve even done Reiki, where they seem to pull imaginary forces off you – that one I just thought, ‘This is too much, even for me’.”
HOW HAVE YOU DEALT WITH OTHER CRISIS PERIODS IN YOUR LIFE?
“When I was getting divorced [his first marriage to actress Belinda Stewart-wilson ended in 2011], I did see a therapist every week and I found that really helpful. I would recommend it if you’re going through a tough time.”
DO YOU STILL HAVE OCD?
“I still have anxiety. What I’ve noticed is that if those behaviours come back, I don’t really panic about them any more. I just think, OK, my anxiety’s up so I need to do more to relieve it: meditation, exercise, listening to music, and the biggest one of all – feeling the anxiety, not trying to escape or control it. At the end of the day, the anxious feelings don’t last that long if you walk into them.”
WHAT ARE THE TRIGGERS?
“A certain amount of it is just the way I’m wired, but I can get anxious about pretty much anything – but funnily enough, not work. One of the things I always loved about acting was the escape. I don’t have to think, and it’s the same with my writing. You can just go off to a different place. I don’t have to be present!”
HOW OFTEN DO YOU MEDITATE?
“At least twice a day – first thing in the morning and early evening.”
HOW DOES THAT AFFECT FAMILY LIFE?
“It affects everybody. My wife will say to me [whispering], ‘I think you better go and meditate’. I’ve only been meditating for two or three years and to start with, my wife would say, ‘Oh great, another reason why you can’t help me with the kids! And it just happens to be at the time we’re getting ready for school in the morning and putting the kids to bed in the evening’. Then it started to change, when she would tell me to go and meditate!”
HOW DO YOU RELAX?
“I’m not very good at that. Meditating is a good way to go. Walking the dog is brilliant [the couple have a Goldendoodle called Stevie, after Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks]. Dogs are therapy animals. “I’m not a gym person but I exercise every day. I don’t always do a lot because when you’re filming, there isn’t much time. “But otherwise I go to the gym and go cycling and walking and do as much exercise as I can, which really helps me with my head.”
My OCD took the form of counting things
Ben Miller