Bill Elliott
Here’s the thing... I’m sitting in my study holding a meeting with myself about what to write about this month and there is a problem. Actually there are two problems.
As I sit here, sipping a rather pleasant single malt, it is 48 hours before the Ryder Cup begins. The TV is showing the European players rocking up to the 1st tee in Wisconsin wearing foam ‘cheese hats’ as a tribute to that state’s top gridiron team, the Green Bay Packers. They then throw these foam thingys into a crowd of American fans who seem ridiculously excited. Problem No.1 is... the whole thing was ridiculous and, for me, at least slightly embarrassing.
I’ve always suspected not a lot happens in Wisconsin and that appears to be the case. Clearly Padraig Harrington was leading his chaps on a charm offensive as they try to disarm an overwhelmingly partisan crowd. Mostly this seemed to work, only a half-hearted chorus of the eternally irritating ‘USA, USA’ chant breaking up the general laughter and applause.
Still, as part of an orchestrated prelude to a keenly anticipated competition, this was drilling deep into the old Monty Python sporting playbook and something I never expected to see. I suspect Samuel Ryder would feel the same and I’m absolutely certain Seve Ballesteros would have told Cap’n Harrington exactly where he could put his cheesy cheese hat.
Problem No.2 is entirely of my own making. Several months ago we had a holiday in Cornwall cancelled because of Covid restrictions. The only alternative date offered was the last week in September and I snapped it up. My wife has been looking forward to it ever since, while my anticipation lasted a couple of weeks before I realised I’d booked out the Ryder Cup in a cottage we know to be lovely in every way except one – it doesn’t have Sky TV.
Okay, I thought, I’ll have to watch it on my laptop – far from perfect. It was while moaning about this that my younger son said I should be able to stream it on the cottage TV via an HDMI cable. He even drew me pictures.
Will the cable shtick work? Will I be able to embrace this Ryder Cup as much as the previous 23 I’ve covered for newspapers, magazines and occasional TV and radio? Or will I make a hash of it, messing up not only the TV but my laptop? And will I then be able to knock out the 2,000 closely considered words the editor requires me to file the day after the action stops?
If you find these 2,000 words in this magazine then all will have gone well. If not, I’ll be out of a job and sitting in a corner of some bar looking rather sad and regretful. Quite probably, I’ll be wearing a cheese hat. Wish me luck.
Meanwhile, Rory Mcilroy has finally found a Ryder Cup hat that fits him. I always thought he didn’t wear a hat during these matches because he didn’t want to and no one was offering him several million dollars to change his mind. Turns out he didn’t wear a hat because they were all too big. “I have a tiny head,” he admitted.
Given the big majority of blokes tend to exaggerate the size of everything, this was an unexpectedly candid revelation. Of course, a posse of his teammates couldn’t resist taking his hat and trying it on. Matt Fitzpatrick looked like he was on his way to school – but then he always does – while Lee Westwood looked like he was on his way to a synagogue. Oh, how they all laughed.
Locker room banter, eh? They will be flicking each other’s backsides with a towel next. Mind you, I think they are already doing that on Radio 5 Live. What larks, Pip, what monotonously banal, irrelevant larks. Grumpy? Moi?
“Seve would have told him exactly where he could put his cheese hat”