Bill Elliott

I’ve seen the light, felt the grass beneath my feet, noted that the Tigerman is about to play golf again. Huzzah amigos, it appears spring is in the air, although by the time you cast a jaundiced eye over this scribble it will probably be bitterly cold, wet, dull grey and on the dark, dispiriting side of things. On the other hand it might not, and while I’ve never veered too far towards eternal optimism, I think I may claim to be a reasonably positive fatalist (no, me neither).

Anyway, on the basis that the big light is back in a blue sky, I seized the opportunity to join the editor and his pal Benji – a professional caddie and all round nice bloke (Benji, not the editor) – for 18 holes at one of my favourite courses in Surrey, West Hill. Hang on, the ed might now think I’m saying he’s not a nice guy whereas I... oh, never mind, he’ll just have to suck it up.

Let me admit straight away that I have not walked 18 holes for a long time. I’m back playing sensational tennis thanks to my new, reinforced right knee and feel that, for my age, I’m now relatively fit. Silly me. Playing doubles tennis for an hour-and-a-half twice a week undoubtedly improves fitness and several other things. However, it turns out it doesn’t properly prepare one for the stiffer challenge of hauling a trolley around a course while occasionally pausing to both try to hit the ball and draw breath.

This was made more challenging on this occasion for West Hill, like so many sensible clubs, was carrying out necessary remedial groundwork to prepare the old jousting field for the oncoming spring/summer onslaught. To this end, greens were roped off to trolleys and while my companions, lusty younger men that they are, were carrying their clubs and could continue in a straight line to take their putts, I had to detour up to 100 yards before I could enjoy the thrill of three-putting from 20ft.

It meant that as we approached the finish, I had already approached mine. If you’ll excuse the colloquial description of how I felt... I was totally knackered. Benji, who is making a deserved and decent living with his knowledge of yardages, told me as I nursed a consoling cup of tea in the clubhouse that he reckoned I’d walked at least a mile further than him and the ed. And, of course, I’d hit a lot more shots, because they are elite players compared with my shambolic game at this point.

I’m still glad I made the effort and I eagerly look forward to returning to West Hill in a couple of months when all the work is done, the ropes are gone and I can play 18 holes without needing a lie down afterwards. Hopefully playing fewer shots as well.

I find it interesting that a simple trawl of the Interweb will throw up a zillion blokes and blokesses advising how to achieve fitness for golf. Too many of them concentrate on mobility, arm strength and, inevitably, some weird thing called The Core that I thought one only found in a volcano or a nuclear plant. Few, if any, emphasise the need for achieving ‘walking fitness’ but, personally, I’d put this top of the list. Unless, of course, you play your golf in America, where someone takes you and your clubs in a buggy to where the buggy you’re going to use is waiting. Is obesity still a big problem there?

Meanwhile, talking about Tiger, it is genuinely good to see him back in the action. Although as I’m writing this a day before he is set to play in California, I’m not sure how even he will now get on walking, possibly, 72 holes. We’ll see.

Tour pro Joel Dahmen reacted to the news of Woods’ return with the memorable comment... “It’s a different vibe when Tiger is on the property. It’s like Jesus is walking around.” Jesus? Really? Maybe Elvis or Jagger or Sinatra would offer a comparison, but not JC. Although, come to think of it, Tiger has hit shots many of us consider at least slightly miraculous, so maybe the over-excited Dahmen has a point. But still, if you’re looking for a man of principle and not merely a golf swing, I know which is the man to focus on. For me, it’s the editor; such a nice man...

“Few emphasise the need for ‘walking fitness’ but I’d put this top of the list”