IN SEARCH OF A BETTER ENDING Your affairs in order

Confronting the idea of our own mortality is undoubtedly a difficult thing to do, just as it is painful to think of losing those we love the most. But treating death as a taboo subject means we relinquish control of what happens in our final moments. So h

‘Having a good death is really about having as good a life as possible until the end’

We are all going to die, yet death is the one inevitability for which we receive no guidance. Helping those who are dying to talk openly about what they are going through is one of the reasons I became an end-of-life doula.

The other reason is because of what I learnt in the Summer of 1992, when my best friend died.

He was the boy I’d gone through so many formative experiences with. He’d seen me at my worst and loved me anyway. He had always been there. It was no secret that he was being treated for cancer – what he didn’t say was that it wasn’t going to save him. He’d shared his whole life with me, but he couldn’t share the news that he was dying. He couldn’t share it with anyone.

He’d left a trail of clues that were obvious with hindsight. He took me to see the film Dying Young. Twice. We sobbed our way through it, then complained afterwards about how shamelessly manipulative it was.

One day, I even asked him if he was going to die. ‘They wouldn’t be doing all of this if they didn’t think I’d get better,’ he replied. Four weeks later he was dead. In the weeks following my friend’s death, I discovered he’d refused hospice care and had opted for active treatment, despite being told there was nothing more they could do. We found drawings he had made

chronicling his illness and a poem he’d written about his death. He’d sought solace and understanding in writing and drawing, but never in the people around him.

His life and his death shaped me and, ultimately, led me to choose my career.

Many people have never heard of end-of-life doulas and the profession is still in its infancy. Just as a birth doula provides support at the start of life, end-oflife doulas provide practical and emotional support for the dying and their loved ones at life’s close. I spend a lot of time creating a safe, supportive space to openly communicate about death and dying.

Doulas work in a flexible, person-centred way, tailoring their input to an individual’s needs. They won’t ever push their own ideas or impose a particular way of thinking. They’ll discuss your needs and be honest about their ability to meet them. They’ll ascertain what’s important to their clients. They’ll ask, ‘what do you want and need?’ and really listen to what you’re saying. They’ll be there to help out with the practicalities of everyday life as well as liaising with medical teams

and translating medical jargon.

They can also assist with Advance Decisions and Statements and help create and honour your end-of-life plan.

Doulas are not only there for the dying, but also for family and friends. And when the moment comes and goes, they’ll be there for the bereaved, sometimes helping with funeral arrangements. If you want to keep your loved one at home after they’ve died, they can help you do this, too.

Sometimes doulas will only work with the family and friends, supporting them and giving them the confidence and strength to care for their loved one. It is effectively caring for the carers. Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of email support for people who have a fantastic network around them but who need a place where they can scream and shout and say whatever they feel without hurting those closest to them.

Doulas will never tell you what to do at the end of your life – we’re only there to help you live it well all the way to the end.

In many respects, we are all dying – it’s just that some of us will leave this mortal coil sooner than others. And we are all living until the exact moment of our death. Having a good death is really about how to have as good a life as possible until we die.