THE GENTLE ART OF FESTIVE ETIQUETTE
Mary Killen on how to behave
Take a screen break
As a host, there’s nothing to stop you warning your guests that your internet may be down (and then unplugging it). Once you have experienced it, nothing beats a Christmas where everyone present concentrates on each other rather than on their screens. As soon as the FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) anxiety recedes, children and adults alike will revel in the glorious mental freedom and the joy of having a real conversation rather than prattling away on autopilot while you multi-task.
Presents that please
Don’t give scented candles (too obvious a re-gift) or vouchers (too easily lost, too quick to expire and some of them need passwords to be activated) or giant plastic presents for children. Do give: first class stamps – especially the commemorative ones, disposable cameras (all digital photos are lost since they are never printed off) Wolford tights (too self-indulgent to buy for yourself), really expensive chocolates in beautiful boxes (Prestat) and, for children, matchbox-sized toy plastic dogs (most breeds available) they can play with in the car.
Let sleeping tipplers lie
Suggest that everyone drinks at lunch, but only on condition they have a power nap after it. Everyone will agree. Power naps will knock two hours off the time that certain people will be around to be aggressive or heighten the general sense of claustrophobia and crowding. When these same people are carrying on drinking after dinner, ask them to go up to bed, as you need to set the burglar alarm. Say they are more than welcome to keep drinking in their room. Indeed, you will bring them a drink in bed. By the time you get up there, they will be fast asleep.
Don’t make a drama out of dinner
These days, many of us have real or imaginary food allergies or a sugar phobia and everyone is on a diet, so it’s only kind to ask guests in advance what they don’t eat. And if you are the wheat-and-dairy-fearing guest, it’s considerate to offer to contribute something you can eat – like a large quantity of smoked salmon. Food etiquette is key, because if everyone can eat roughly the same things at the same time, then harmony reigns. This goes for children, too.
Avoid over sharing
If your guests refuse to take a digital detox, then at least insist on a privacy policy. Many will assume it’s fine to upload all festive images (dignity alert!). During an after-dinner game last Christmas, the women drew a male name from a hat, the lights were extinguished, and everyone had to find their partner in the dark and then each swap all clothing except underclothing. Crying with laughter, the adults, two holding public office, didn’t notice the young person snapping away and uploading the images online. A few days later, said young person was still bemused as to why it had been a bad thing to do.
If you are the phobic eater, offer to bring food you can eat, like lots of smoked salmon
Bring back parlour games
This is a wonderful way for adults and children to understand each other: Charades, Murder In The Dark, The Book Game, Monopoly or – best of all – a pop-up table somewhere with a jigsaw pre-started. There is no game more bonding, or more satisfying. If anyone can play the piano, your drunken guests will easily be conscripted into singing carols. Don’t hesitate to show leadership – though you may have to print off song sheets. The company may be shy at first, but soon they will love it.
Avoid family spark points
We all have grudges against relatives and they have grudges against us, but this is no time for confrontations. Avoid too much intimate exposure by keeping yourself really busy. Go to church twice, take dogs on long walks, go to bed early. Do as much domestic work as possible. Play games with the small children. Smile throughout. After all, it’s only, at most, 72 hours to get through, 36 of them asleep. And maybe no more than nine hours in the same room as the annoying relative.
Hide the remote control
It’s sad if everyone sits in different rooms watching different programmes – and that’s what will happen if you give your guests free choice. Besides, most people have already seen anything that might be on. Decree a ban on the box – other than, of course, the carol service from King’s College Cambridge and The Queen’s Speech.
Spend time with your neighbours
Other than street parties to celebrate our glorious Monarch’s various Jubilees, we rarely get the chance to meet neighbours we normally just wave at. Christmas gives you a brilliant excuse to invite them just for drinks on Christmas Eve or before lunch on Boxing Day. Two hours maximum. Invite as many close neighbours as possible. It can do no harm, only good, for you all to get the measure of each other in minutes, just like with speed dating. You don’t have to be compatible – it’s simply good to demonstrate you are, in theory, well disposed to one another.
Decree a ban on the box, other than, of course, the carols from King’s and The Queen’s Speech