PROBLEM SHARED
with Professor Tanya Byron
For the first Christmas in years, I won’t have everyone I love around my table because my children, who are all in their 20s, have made their own plans. I put on a brave face when they told me, but the truth is I feel they have abandoned their father and me. Usually I love the festive build-up, and all the planning and anticipation, but I am dreading the fact that it will just be the two of us. How can I get through it?
TANYA SAYS Christmas is a time of year that for many represents family and togetherness, and for some this can be a blessing, for others a curse. Even weeks ahead, the relentless run-up to the festive holiday builds expectations that are meaningful but that can also cause stress.
I can understand that for you this Christmas Day will feel empty. You use the word ‘abandoned’ to describe how you feel, and indeed your children’s absence on Christmas Day will, to a degree, feel like a loss. Not just of the time together but also a poignant marker that time has passed and the fun-filled family Christmases enjoyed with younger children are now no more.
When children leave home or spend traditional family time elsewhere, it can lead to a profound sense of loss for their parents and a need for readjustment. The full-time focus on family is no longer necessary and so time feels empty, and some parents can feel that they have lost their purpose and a sense of identity.
In effect, this time in the lifespan of the family can feel like a bereavement – a loss of role, and also a realisation that our children need us in a different way and are now more independent of us. Some call this sense of loss empty nest syndrome, which is not a clinical diagnosis but can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression. Research shows that women struggle more with the empty nest, but men can also be very affected by it. Some psychologists have suggested that this transition period can last between 18 months and two years.
It is understandable that you may mourn the passing of time and the changes you now face, but why not find a new way to celebrate the festive season that enables you to be with family, even if not actually on Christmas Day itself? As with all aspects of adjusting to an empty nest, this requires thought about how to redefine times that once were the sole preserve of the family.
Could you hold the family Christmas celebration and dinner on a day when everyone can be together? This would help you to keep alive the traditions of family togetherness and celebration. And, on Christmas Day itself, have a plan for how you can all be in contact at agreed times via digital media.
Think about how you can make the day itself special for you and your husband. Being at home without your children may stoke unhappy feelings. Could you find a new way to celebrate the season? Perhaps you could have an adventure together, exploring somewhere new. Or meet up with other friends who may be in the same situation and missing their children? There are also opportunities to volunteer with charities that open their doors on Christmas Day to those people without homes or families.
Fundamentally, you have two ways of looking at this issue. Do you want to spend the day grieving, or enjoy it in a different way? Of course, this raises bigger questions in terms of how you want to define your life moving forward. What and where are the adventures and challenges you’d like to experience? How can you invest in yourself and your marriage?
Wherever you are and however you choose to celebrate, I wish you a happy festive season. If you feel alone, remember there are also others like you, and if you like, you can contact organisations such as communitychristmas.org.uk to link up, find places to be and people to be with.
Could you find a new way to celebrate the season?