Hand-knitted doggie coat? I don’t think so, Mildred!

Sandi’s thinking hard about what to buy her new puppy for Christmas. But extravagant gifts for pampered pooches are fast turning into her pet hate...

There’s an old adage that wisdom comes with age, but I’m beginning to believe that age is fickle and often turns up alone. The older I get, the more often I approach the world with a sense of bafflement. This time it was kicked off by my cockapoo puppy, Mildred. This Christmas will be her first, and it crossed my mind to get her a gift of some kind, so I began searching the internet for inspiration.

Now any sentient being will know that this is a fool’s errand. The worldwide web has great range. On clear days one can soar exhilarated through the genius on the British Library shelves, before succumbing to wine-tinged nights trudging in ghoulish fascination through a quagmire of celebrity tosh. Between these extremes lies a special circle of hell called Retail Opportunity.

I picked a canine gift site and was immediately plunged into a long section on Dog Fashion. I’m not even interested in People Fashion, but this was worryingly mesmerising. Here lay ‘exquisite hand-knit dog sweaters with hand-beaded crystal detail exclusively made with Swarovski Elements’. These canine cardies are apparently made in Holland by awardwinning fabric artisans.

I was awash with questions. What did these artisans win awards for? Was it the dog sweaters? Was there a black-tie dinner for this unique award evening? Did the dogs go? Were there speeches about the detailing on a poodle poloneck that left participants tearful and glad to be alive? The hand-knit garments were £264 but wait – I could get my own matching sweater for £816! More questions. How had they arrived at this very precise purchasing figure? Was it calculated per stitch? What if a very fat dog had a very fat owner? Wouldn’t they need bigger bespoke wear?

And where would one keep all this gorgeous doggie clothing? The answer was waiting for me – in a ‘beautifully handcrafted solid wood armoire drenched in Swarovski crystals and pearls and embellished with semi-precious druzy gemstones’. What on earth was a druzy gemstone? It sounded like an amethyst that had drunk too many martinis. I looked at the pictures and was aghast. The small wardrobe was the single most over-decorated thing I’d ever seen. On

the plus side, it was ‘only $12,000 plus shipping’.

If I thought the cupboard was bad, then the doggie bride’s dress hanging on the small rail inside tipped me over the edge. ‘The dress features a matching bow with the lower part of the dress overlaid with organza and white satin piping to complete the look,’ I read. Who has a wedding for their dog? I just keep Mildred on the lead if a boy pup is looking over-friendly: I certainly don’t plan a function. But then I discovered that, in 2012, a woman called Wendy Diamond spent $250,000 marrying a Coton de Tuléar to a poodle.

I carried on drowning in the still waters of pooch pampering. How on earth had I overlooked a porcelain dog bowl? Who wouldn’t want a 22-carat one by Versace? No wonder my puppy can be sniffy about leftovers. Or what about a tailor-made doggy holiday? There were pet hotels with ambient mood lighting, soothing sounds throughout and custom memory foam beds. There were ‘pawdicures’ available and a promise that ‘Your pet will enjoy their own private 42-inch television inside their room.’ The only way Mildred would enjoy a 42-inch television is if she were allowed to chew the cable. I also found a disco-themed dog spa and even an architect-designed dog house for just under half a million pounds.

I realised I could hardly breathe as I read all of this. Mildred trotted over and put her head on my knee. I stroked her head and felt calmer. As I looked down at her smiling eyes I knew instantly what I would get her. On Christmas morning, whatever the weather, we’ll get up early and go for a very long walk in the woods. That will be my present to her, as most certainly those wonderful daily outings are the gift that she has given to me.

Fashion for dogs? I’m not even interested in fashion for people!