UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL

Just a few years ago, Marian Keyes was so depressed she thought of taking her own life – and begged her adored husband, Tony, to leave her. Fortunately she recovered, and has now written her 13th novel, about a married couple who decide to spend six month

Marian Keyes talks frankly

Congratulations on your new book – where did the idea come from?

I read an account of a woman who had been married for a long time and wanted to try an open relationship. It made me think that with people living so much longer, is this what they are going to want to do? When you are looking at spending the rest of your life with someone – perhaps 60 years of marriage – some people may decide they need to be single for a little while.

So how would you feel if your husband said he wanted a break?

I would let him have it, even if I knew he was going to go off and sleep with other people. The way I see it, I would have three options: one, that I would forbid him, and I couldn’t do that. I could say he could, but that we were over – I don’t think that would be right because we have been so happy together. My third option would be to say, ‘Go with my blessing and I will do it, too.’ Although I couldn’t imagine myself doing it just because the thought of taking my clothes off in front of a new man gives me the shudders!

This novel seems quite different from your other books…

This is more of a domestic issue. I hope it engages people. I notice that people are always keen to know how much sex other couples in long-term relationships are having. I always worry that I am doing everything wrong. The fear is that everyone else is having sex about three times a week, and it is absolutely not like that for me. It is a great relief when you find out that everyone lets things slide and their sexy lingerie is from the dim and distant past.

You have been married for 23 years – what works in your relationship?

What means most to me is a sense of being comfortable. Being a team is the loveliest thing. Tony is my best friend – he’s in my corner and I’m in his. I’m protective of him, and he is of me. I don’t want butterflies in my stomach… I couldn’t bear that uncertainty. I want things to be solid and certain.

For over four years, up until 2014, you suffered with depression. How did that affect your marriage?

When I was really bad, nothing could touch me. I felt that I loved nobody and nobody loved me. I think what kept us together was our past. I often asked Tony to leave me because I felt I was making him miserable, but he didn’t. That memory that we had been happy once touched me, and so we continued going through the motions. I look back now and I think: how could I have felt that way? How could I have felt nothing, when I love him so much? I suppose people might find that hopeful.

Were there times you felt suicidal?

About 40 times a day – it was exhausting trying to stop myself. When you are in that mindset, everything looks like a weapon. A bread knife is a weapon, a tree is something you can hang yourself from. I couldn’t bear how I felt, the way I perceived the world was unendurable. I used to have to break down the day into half-hour bits to get through it.

Do you ever worry that the depression will come back?

I know it is a possibility, but I don’t think about it. What is the point of ruining now when now is good? It’s important to take care of myself in ways that I didn’t before, in terms of overdoing it, overworking, too much travel, avoiding toxic people.

It is over 20 years since you gave up alcohol. Do you ever miss it?

No, and I would never have thought that was possible. I don’t notice when other people drink, and I am happy when they do, because I maybe get lifted by their mood. It is only when they get to a certain point that I feel it’s time for me to leave.

Do you find it helpful that people are talking about mental health more openly?

It is wonderful. The acknowledgement that mental health is like physical health and anyone can get the emotional flu as I call it. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person, or you lived your life wrong, or that it is your fault. It just happens. It is really nice that people are far less judgemental.

You have said that you made your peace about not having children.

I’m not very good when I don’t get what I want, but somehow I managed to focus on what I had rather than what I hadn’t. I have a great relationship with Tony, and we have kids around us with my nieces and nephews.

What do you do to have fun?

I buy things online, walk in the hills, watch TV and read. I surround myself with people I like, which is lovely.

You have said that coming out of depression was like coming up from the bottom of the ocean…

Over about three-and-a-half months, I went from feeling very bad to utterly joyous. I resist any pressure to turn something horrible into a blessing, because I think sometimes horrible things are just horrible things. But I do think what I went through changed me, and I’m more aware of the joy in life now.